God is teaching me much lately. I find that as I spend time in His Word and on my knees in prayer...I am more and more unsatisfied with my life. Not a discontentment because I do not have something or someone that I want. Rather, I long more and more to radiate and reflect my Savior.
God has been constantly showing me how selfish I am. With my money, my time, my clothes, my possesions...I have lived for me. With the money that I earn (not that I make a large amount...but by the world's standards...I have MUCH), I could have easily supported a missionary out of my own giving AFTER I give to my church. What have I honestly purchased over the past 8 years of my life that is eternal? I could have been investing in things that last....yet I squandered so much of it on myself.
Now, as I start the process of raising support to go to Portugal, I find that the Lord is tearing apart my world. I love it. He is literally breaking me free from settled standard of acceptable Christian living. He is showing me that - although I might have said my life belonged to Him- the fruit of it proved otherwise. It is not acceptable for me to squander my time, resources, and energy on me. If I love Christ and live for him...than my time, resources, and energy will be used for Him. Therefore, it is unacceptable for me to be eating out, buying coffee, or purchasing another shirt...my money is His. Furthermore, my plans and dreams for my life are no more. I am a bondservant of Christ. I have willfully surrendered control of my life. My marriage/singleness-- it is no longer up to me. I serve Christ. He is my greatest love...and my life is not my own. The Lord has completely changed my heart. I used to fear a life of singleness...now I rejoice in the thought of knowing only the love of Christ.
What I find amazing throughout this whole process is the unpopularity of my choices. Not that it should ever be a surprise to me...for the message of the cross is always foolishness. But I think it surprises me because even among some of my Christian friends and in my Christian circle...I find that this idea of complete and total surrender is in every way verbally encouraged. But when I choose to refrain from a conversation....or share the joy I now know in choosing Christ over a potential mate....no one understands. I feel as if in some ways I have been marked. Too radical... too extreme... too harsh.
But isn't that the life to which I have been called?
I can find no other example in Scripture.
The cross is always misunderstood.
So I guess I'll gladly bear the mark of being "misunderstood."
Thank you Jesus-- for bearing the cross so that I might know abundant life.
I love You.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Hungry
Today I am hungry. I've been reading two very convicting things: the book of Acts, and K.P. Yohannan's book The Road to Reality. As I read Acts, I see my GOD, in all his splendor: changing lives, saving souls, healing sickness, adding to the church, baptizing believers. It's beautiful! But it leaves me feeling hungry. Starving, in fact. When was the last time my church- the body of Christ- grew? When was the last time we willingly gave of our own wealth to others--and by gave, I mean giving up prime real-estate because someone else has a need? When was the last time I saw someone reading God's Word, and asked them if they understand it? Why do I read the account of Saul's conversion and still doubt that the Lord will ever change the heart of my brother? I'm hungry. THIS is the life to which I have been called. Amy Carmichael said it best, "It is no wonder that Apostalic miracles have died... apostalic living certainly has." I am desperate for this. I don't want mediocre, American Christianity. I want Christ. I want the cross. I want to suffer for HIS name's sake. I don't want to suffer for suffering alone. I want to experience suffering because I am living for Christ! I want others to see what Christ is doing in my life and either be repulsed, convicted, or compelled. I want Him...
Yet as I journey on my own "road to reality," I keep questioning...what does this look like? I find that I know very little of what it means to die to self on a Saturday.
What are we missing? Why are we all ok with this? Churches full of selfishness, hypocrisy, envy, strife, bitterness...Christians whose lives are NO DIFFERENT from an unbelievers, with the one exception-- that they spend four hours in a church building a week... Christians who occupy a neighborhood, yet have done NOTHING to penetrate it with the Gospel of Christ.
I don't understand. Maybe I am too harsh...but I can't help as I read the book of Acts to question my life...to feel so frustrated with this. This comfort-centered, mediocre American Christianity. Why is it that my friends and I can spend hours shopping for ourselves? What a waste...what a waste.
This is nothing more than the ramblings of my thoughts tonight.
I guess I'm just hungry for more...that's all.
Yet as I journey on my own "road to reality," I keep questioning...what does this look like? I find that I know very little of what it means to die to self on a Saturday.
What are we missing? Why are we all ok with this? Churches full of selfishness, hypocrisy, envy, strife, bitterness...Christians whose lives are NO DIFFERENT from an unbelievers, with the one exception-- that they spend four hours in a church building a week... Christians who occupy a neighborhood, yet have done NOTHING to penetrate it with the Gospel of Christ.
I don't understand. Maybe I am too harsh...but I can't help as I read the book of Acts to question my life...to feel so frustrated with this. This comfort-centered, mediocre American Christianity. Why is it that my friends and I can spend hours shopping for ourselves? What a waste...what a waste.
This is nothing more than the ramblings of my thoughts tonight.
I guess I'm just hungry for more...that's all.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Lesson Learned
Fifth graders have a way of teaching others about life. I have often overheard many a funny conversation in which they try to explain to one another why things work they way they do, or perhaps even how relationships should function. And I often find myself laughing inwardly at their take and outlook on life.
But today, I was taught a lesson from my fifth graders that I was not prepared to learn. It happened without their knowledge. They didn't prepare for long hours. They didn't purpose to teach me. In fact, they didn't even intend for me to hear. Yet their words spoke to the depth of my soul.
It all happened in the midst of an intense spelling review game. It was boys against girls, and all the honor was riding on the win. The girls were up five to zero after some stunning spellers, and the next two players were at the board. The words were given, and the race began. They finished with almost a near tie, yet only one word was spelled correctly. Girls, six - guys, zero. And that's when I heard it. The murmurings of two disgruntled boys.
"Oh, sure, that's because they're girls. She likes them more. That's why they're winning."
In my nearly three long years of teaching, I do not think I have ever been hurt by words. Upset, yes. Frustrated, definitely. But actually hurt, never.
But for some reason, those words cut to the core of my heart and I actually stood before them stunned in disbelief that they would actually make those accusations. I spoke directly to them to let them know they'd crossed a line, and let them know we'd be discussing this later.
After the day had ended and I was packing my bag to go home, I couldn't get those words to stop ringing in my head. How hurtful. How awful. When I daily give of my time to them equally? How could they ever think I didn't love them equally?
All the way home those words plagued me.
As the evening waned, I checked my daily alerts from Facebook. And there, in the midst of all the messages was a note about a girl I had counseled at camp. She was now getting married. Further on, I saw something about another friend who was now having her baby and getting ready with all the plans. I saw pictures from another friend who just recently purchased and redecorated a beautiful home. Then I received a phone call from a friend informing me about another mutual friend's bridal shower...and on, and on the list goes. The never-ending list that reminds me of all the things I long for most, but do not have.
And that's when I heard my heart say it. "Lord, why do You bless everyone else? Why do you give them good? You must love them more, or something. You certainly have shown them Your favor."
After I uttered the words from the depth of my heart, I instantly felt the remorse of Peter as the rooster crowed the third and final time. The realization that I had just broken my Father's heart with my accusation. That in my hasty summary of the situation, I had accused my loving Father of "playing favorites." As dumbfounded as I had been at the stinging hurt I felt from my student's words, I now understood in the most miniscule way, the hurt I had just inflicted upon His heart. How it must break! Almighty, Loving God, to be accused of such a false statement, when He has done nothing but show me love, provide a substitute for my sins, and patiently help me everyday.
And as I bowed my head in shame and asked forgiveness for the awful words I dared to think, I humbly thanked God for the lesson that two fifth grade boys had given me.
But today, I was taught a lesson from my fifth graders that I was not prepared to learn. It happened without their knowledge. They didn't prepare for long hours. They didn't purpose to teach me. In fact, they didn't even intend for me to hear. Yet their words spoke to the depth of my soul.
It all happened in the midst of an intense spelling review game. It was boys against girls, and all the honor was riding on the win. The girls were up five to zero after some stunning spellers, and the next two players were at the board. The words were given, and the race began. They finished with almost a near tie, yet only one word was spelled correctly. Girls, six - guys, zero. And that's when I heard it. The murmurings of two disgruntled boys.
"Oh, sure, that's because they're girls. She likes them more. That's why they're winning."
In my nearly three long years of teaching, I do not think I have ever been hurt by words. Upset, yes. Frustrated, definitely. But actually hurt, never.
But for some reason, those words cut to the core of my heart and I actually stood before them stunned in disbelief that they would actually make those accusations. I spoke directly to them to let them know they'd crossed a line, and let them know we'd be discussing this later.
After the day had ended and I was packing my bag to go home, I couldn't get those words to stop ringing in my head. How hurtful. How awful. When I daily give of my time to them equally? How could they ever think I didn't love them equally?
All the way home those words plagued me.
As the evening waned, I checked my daily alerts from Facebook. And there, in the midst of all the messages was a note about a girl I had counseled at camp. She was now getting married. Further on, I saw something about another friend who was now having her baby and getting ready with all the plans. I saw pictures from another friend who just recently purchased and redecorated a beautiful home. Then I received a phone call from a friend informing me about another mutual friend's bridal shower...and on, and on the list goes. The never-ending list that reminds me of all the things I long for most, but do not have.
And that's when I heard my heart say it. "Lord, why do You bless everyone else? Why do you give them good? You must love them more, or something. You certainly have shown them Your favor."
After I uttered the words from the depth of my heart, I instantly felt the remorse of Peter as the rooster crowed the third and final time. The realization that I had just broken my Father's heart with my accusation. That in my hasty summary of the situation, I had accused my loving Father of "playing favorites." As dumbfounded as I had been at the stinging hurt I felt from my student's words, I now understood in the most miniscule way, the hurt I had just inflicted upon His heart. How it must break! Almighty, Loving God, to be accused of such a false statement, when He has done nothing but show me love, provide a substitute for my sins, and patiently help me everyday.
And as I bowed my head in shame and asked forgiveness for the awful words I dared to think, I humbly thanked God for the lesson that two fifth grade boys had given me.
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