Misunderstood

God is teaching me much lately. I find that as I spend time in His Word and on my knees in prayer...I am more and more unsatisfied with my life. Not a discontentment because I do not have something or someone that I want. Rather, I long more and more to radiate and reflect my Savior.
God has been constantly showing me how selfish I am. With my money, my time, my clothes, my possesions...I have lived for me. With the money that I earn (not that I make a large amount...but by the world's standards...I have MUCH), I could have easily supported a missionary out of my own giving AFTER I give to my church. What have I honestly purchased over the past 8 years of my life that is eternal? I could have been investing in things that last....yet I squandered so much of it on myself.
Now, as I start the process of raising support to go to Portugal, I find that the Lord is tearing apart my world. I love it. He is literally breaking me free from settled standard of acceptable Christian living. He is showing me that - although I might have said my life belonged to Him- the fruit of it proved otherwise. It is not acceptable for me to squander my time, resources, and energy on me. If I love Christ and live for him...than my time, resources, and energy will be used for Him. Therefore, it is unacceptable for me to be eating out, buying coffee, or purchasing another shirt...my money is His. Furthermore, my plans and dreams for my life are no more. I am a bondservant of Christ. I have willfully surrendered control of my life. My marriage/singleness-- it is no longer up to me. I serve Christ. He is my greatest love...and my life is not my own. The Lord has completely changed my heart. I used to fear a life of singleness...now I rejoice in the thought of knowing only the love of Christ.
What I find amazing throughout this whole process is the unpopularity of my choices. Not that it should ever be a surprise to me...for the message of the cross is always foolishness. But I think it surprises me because even among some of my Christian friends and in my Christian circle...I find that this idea of complete and total surrender is in every way verbally encouraged. But when I choose to refrain from a conversation....or share the joy I now know in choosing Christ over a potential mate....no one understands. I feel as if in some ways I have been marked. Too radical... too extreme... too harsh.
But isn't that the life to which I have been called?
I can find no other example in Scripture.
The cross is always misunderstood.
So I guess I'll gladly bear the mark of being "misunderstood."
Thank you Jesus-- for bearing the cross so that I might know abundant life.
I love You.