Being too "there"...

"Be all there...."

Have you heard that quote?

"Wherever you are, be all there."

Jim Elliot said those words. I struggle with them. I struggle because it's far too easy for me. It always has been.

I have friends in different walks of life that I consider amazing and truly great friends. But when time and distance separated us, it was easy for me to just accept it, and move on. Stop investing, stop trying, and be "all there" in my new place of life, making and developing my new friendships.

I don't know if that is what Jim Elliot meant or not. To some degree, I think that it is essential to be effective where you are. But more and more I realize that I wrestle with investing in friendships when it isn't "easy." I am convinced I have probably hurt far too many people in my ease of transition from one place to the next.

I don't like that about myself. I wish that I did a better job of hanging on. Thankfully, God brings people who are good "people collectors" into my life. They hang on much better than I do.

I am trying. I try to make calls, to send messages, to remember that it is important.

Maybe it's because deep down I really am just grieving the loss of those friends differently. For me, moving on and not maintaining those friendships feels easier than grieving and missing people that I know I most likely will not see this side of heaven. Deep down, when I let myself go there... and remember the times of laughing so hard we were crying, or bumbling through conversations in different languages, or all the adventures I have had with so many friends while I was single, my heart hurts. Those friends are irreplaceable. Those memories are incredible. And the distance... well, it's real.

And nothing makes it go away.

But just because it is easier doesn't make it right.

So I am telling myself, "Be all there.... but don't neglect or forget the ones that helped shape you into who you are there."

And with that, I am going to go send some long overdue emails.

Antennas and Humility

Last night I was just angry.

I spent all day removing bones and fat from sixteen pounds of chicken, cooking, cooling, freezing, separating the chicken, and making two huge pots full of chicken stock. All while trying to get a stubborn four month old to sleep longer than twenty minutes.

I finally was nearing then end of rotating the chicken in the freezer and was ready to sit down and enjoy my dinner.

All I wanted was to relax and watch mindless television.

Since we are trying to be thrifty and cable is ridiculously expensive, we have an antennae that pulls in a whopping two or three channels(maybe four on a super good day). I turned on the television and nothing would come in. I adjusted, readjusted, opened windows, and put that antennae in every sort of contorted way possible.

Nothing.

As the time passed, and it became evident that there was going to be no mindless television watching, I just began to seethe.

"All I want to do is sit down and relax! Come on! I have been on my feet all day."

My daughter awoke after being down for an entire fifteen minutes.

"Are you kidding me? I deserve at least thirty minutes without having to try to make her happy. I am exhausted!"

My heart grew more and more frustrated with life.

It's ridiculous, isn't it?

I have a husband and a child both of which I honestly thought the Lord would never give me. God provided money and food that I was able to spend the entire day fixing and preparing ahead of time. I am blessed.

BLESSED.

And yet I was heading fast and furiously into deep self-pity.

Over television.
Over my perceived "need" to relax.
Over antennas and humidity and chicken and naps.

I so deeply long to live in awe of the blessings God has given me. Yet I am so quickly caught up in my wants.

Lord, keep my eyes focused on the abundance of blessings you have given me. When I am tempted to believe that I deserve something I do not have, remind me of Christ. Remind me of the Love that gave up everything for nothing in return.

And, Lord, please forgive me for ever thinking that I deserve anything.

On Gratitude

I heard somewhere that the difference between envy and jealousy is this: Jealousy says, "I want what you have." Envy states, "I want what you have and since I don't have it, I don't want you to have it either."

I have lived in an apartment all of my adult life (with the exception of when I moved back home before and after moving overseas). Now that I am married with a four month old baby girl, I am more than ready to be in my own home. It has not been fun or easy to try to calm and quiet a fussing baby because you fear the neighbors getting upset. We have looked and searched for nearly two years. We have put offers on two homes only to find out both homes have had major structural issues. We (maybe more "I" than "we") have spent hours online looking at homes. We have debated building, restoring a home, buying a mobile home, and any and every other possibility you can think of (including living out of a camper).

I am beyond ready to be done with homes. I have found that at times, my heart went from jealousy of people's homes, to envy. I didn't recognize it. It came in the form of self-righteousness.

"I can't believe they would spend this much on a home. They could have done so much more with their money. They shouldn't have spent it on this."

"I would never feel comfortable with a mortgage that high. They must be insane or ridiculous to think they can manage that."

Constant criticism of other people's personal choices, that I honestly know nothing about.

Why?

To make myself feel better about what I didn't have but wanted.

Now, as we get ready to purchase a home, I have heard comments from others that have made me burn with anger.

"Why on earth would you want that? You should build. You should move in the country. You should..."


And on, and on, and on.

It's humbling. Humbling to realize I have made the same mistakes. Humbling to know that we are doing what we think God wants us to do and not everyone wants to pat us on the back for it.

So I am challenging myself to stop it. Stop the comparisons, the self-righteous self-talk, and instead just be grateful. Grateful that God has given me what He has, and grateful that God has supplied for you what He has.

It isn't easy. We are far too proud of creatures to dwell effortlessly in gratitude. But it's where I aim to be.