Life and Luggage...

I pulled out my suitcases yesterday. I opened them up and stared into the closet that is filled much fuller than it probably should be. I began to mentally decipher which clothes I could live the remaining three months without.

I yanked shirts off hangers, and threw them, along with a vast array of dresses, into a large pile on the floor. And then, I sat down in the midst of it all. I looked at the suitcase and the mess that was the floor of my room, and it all looked so familiar. Hadn't I just done this? Hadn't it just been a few months ago when I was unpacking and wondering what adventures were to come in the next two years?

I didn't cry. I marveled.

Life passes so quickly. Certainly some days feel as if they will never end...but collectively, it all seems to go by too quickly.

I savored the moment.
Because I knew it would pass as well. And soon, very soon, I'll be sitting in the midst of another mess with the same suitcase and a familiar floor that has weathered many a storm of packing and unpacking.

I prayed. It didn't sound very elegant. Just words...a collection of incomplete sentences that were all I could piece together.
"Thank you..."
"Wow..."
"Jesus...two years? Nearly gone..."
"How, Lord? But...thank you."

I decided I am arguably the most blessed individual that exists. God has given me so much in these two years. Experiences that are merely dreams for others have been my daily reality. I always prayed for this... I remember so clearly asking God for the opportunity to do this when I was still a teenager.

And He answered.
But that's the thing with God. He doesn't just answer... He goes so far above and beyond...He allowed me to spend two years investing in people in a foreign country. And not just any foreign country... the most beautiful place whose people and language captivated my heart.

And at the end, when I see how He answered prayers that were over a decade old...I am left speechless. Well, almost speechless...

"To God be the glory...
Great things He has done."

And somewhere in the midst of my praise that feels so sincere, I hear him... gently correcting me. Because He isn't merely a God of the past. He is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow.

Great things He has done, great things He is doing, and great things He will do.

And that is my peace.
My comfort.
My reality. That the God who crafted and designed the last two years of my life is leading.
And I will choose to excitedly follow.

I picked up the clothes, one by one. I wrapped precious treasures that represent bits and pieces of my heart here...trying to prevent any of them from breaking during the bumps and falls that inevitably come on the journey. And as I wrapped them, I asked the Treasurer and Holder of my heart to do the same for me. To gently soften the pain and the ache that inevitably comes with the word "goodbye." To hold me closely through the bumps and falls that always come with any transition...

And I know He's answering.
Because "great things He has done, great things He is doing, and great things He will do."

Free-fall

My heart hurts.
I don't know how else to say it. It isn't elegant, pretty, or descriptive. It's all I can muster. I've sat here trying to figure out how to write in a pretty way what feels absolutely hideous to my heart. And I can't get anything out. Because it just hurts.

It hurts to feel like relationships here are ending.
It hurts to hear others talk about the future with such certainty, knowing nothing of certainty in mine.
It hurts to watch others live a dream and take it for granted.
It hurts to feel like the people that are supposed to understand and the ones I want desperately to understand can't and just won't.
It hurts to know I have another transition to go through.
It hurts to feel stuck between two worlds.
It just hurts.

It's no one's fault. If anything, it's mine. I should accept this with joy, right? Sigh...
I'd like to say I'm there... but I'm not.
Because it just hurts too much.

Maybe joy will come after these tears.

Maybe.

Lately it's felt as if my heart is on one giant roller-coaster ride. Had I known it would have highs so high and lows so low, I would never have chosen to ride. There are moments when I am filled with anticipation and excitement at the prospect of coming home. Then, before I ever see it coming, the ride begins plummeting downward. All the sudden the excitement turns to sorrow, and I can't imagine saying goodbyes. I field questions regarding why I'm not coming back that I can't explain. I hear my students ask me when I'm coming back... and I lose it.

And it is in that free-fall that I am forced to acknowledge that I feel so very much alone.

Today, I received a note that led me on another plummeting free-fall.
I tried to tell someone what was going on in my heart.
But it just fell on deaf ears.
I tried to pretend I was ok.
But I'm not.
I sat on my bed.
And I told Jesus, "I just can't...it just hurts..."
It's all I got out.

But you know what?
It's all He needed to hear.
Because He knows.
And not only does He know, He sympathizes...

And guess what "sympathizes" means?
"To share in a feeling with..."

I love that. Because that's all I really want. I just want someone to understand what this feels like...

And Someone does.

2-1-2012

It's February.
February, I tell you.

How did this happen?
Today I got a message from someone. All it said was, "In four months you'll be home."

Four months.

Initially, I smiled. And the longer I thought about it, the more that smile turned into a nervous twitch.

And then...the immediate question came: What on earth am I doing with my life?

To which I genuinely have no answer. So, in an effort to help me stop freaking out, and a lame attempt to trick myself into thinking I may have some idea, I'm making a list of all the things I will not be doing with my life upon returning to the good Ole U.S. of A.

I will not:

be joining the military. Unless, of course, every other possible career path has been exhausted...and I include working at McDonald's as a career option.

be homeless, thanks to my parents.

be a rapper. I've thought about it.(see this post) But, word to your mother, my rhymes are just not flat out gangsta enough (see, even that horrendously constructed sentence took me five minutes to write...). And, besides that, I'm just not sure where I would fit with the whole East Coast/West Coast rivalry...I mean, I'm from Iowa.

be an Olympic athlete. Unless they enter a division for falling ungracefully up and down stairs. I could quite possibly bring home the gold in that one...

be posting any Youtube videos of myself singing in a lame attempt to kick-start my ill-planned musical career. But...if I did have a weak moment... it would involve the song "Dreams" by the Cranberries. Seriously, who does not love belting out the "ahhhh" part? :)

be a politician. Or volunteer for one. In fact, I get a general nauseous feeling when I think about the fact that I seriously considered politics as a profession ten years ago. Gag. What on earth was I thinking?

be a mechanic. Don't get me wrong, I'm not in any way belittling what they do. I'm just saying, no matter how desperate someone may be, they would never want ME touching the engine of their car. In all honestly, I don't even know how to pop the hood of the current car I am driving.

and on a more serious note...

I will not:

be worried about perceptions. Life is short. If my goal is to live for the glory of my King, then what on earth am I doing wasting my time thinking about what YOU think about me? Easier said than done, yes. But...it's a goal.

be the same person I was two years ago. And neither will you. Isn't the ability to change and grow one of the most gracious gifts God gives us, besides salvation? I think so...

be behind. It doesn't matter what everyone else my age has or is doing. I'm right on time, according to God. He knew I'd be clueless on February 1, 2012. He knows I'll be jobless on May 25, 2012. Is He worried? Absolutely not.

be worried. Will moments of doubt and fear come? Constantly. But, that's the point. It's what I DO with the doubt and fear. Do I worry? Or do I let it push me close to the heart of God? Do I stress out? Or do I hide out in God as my Refuge?

be pressured to answer for what God hasn't yet revealed to me.

or lastly...

be pressured to answer for what God has already revealed to me.