My heart hurts.
I don't know how else to say it. It isn't elegant, pretty, or descriptive. It's all I can muster. I've sat here trying to figure out how to write in a pretty way what feels absolutely hideous to my heart. And I can't get anything out. Because it just hurts.
It hurts to feel like relationships here are ending.
It hurts to hear others talk about the future with such certainty, knowing nothing of certainty in mine.
It hurts to watch others live a dream and take it for granted.
It hurts to feel like the people that are supposed to understand and the ones I want desperately to understand can't and just won't.
It hurts to know I have another transition to go through.
It hurts to feel stuck between two worlds.
It just hurts.
It's no one's fault. If anything, it's mine. I should accept this with joy, right? Sigh...
I'd like to say I'm there... but I'm not.
Because it just hurts too much.
Maybe joy will come after these tears.
Maybe.
Lately it's felt as if my heart is on one giant roller-coaster ride. Had I known it would have highs so high and lows so low, I would never have chosen to ride. There are moments when I am filled with anticipation and excitement at the prospect of coming home. Then, before I ever see it coming, the ride begins plummeting downward. All the sudden the excitement turns to sorrow, and I can't imagine saying goodbyes. I field questions regarding why I'm not coming back that I can't explain. I hear my students ask me when I'm coming back... and I lose it.
And it is in that free-fall that I am forced to acknowledge that I feel so very much alone.
Today, I received a note that led me on another plummeting free-fall.
I tried to tell someone what was going on in my heart.
But it just fell on deaf ears.
I tried to pretend I was ok.
But I'm not.
I sat on my bed.
And I told Jesus, "I just can't...it just hurts..."
It's all I got out.
But you know what?
It's all He needed to hear.
Because He knows.
And not only does He know, He sympathizes...
And guess what "sympathizes" means?
"To share in a feeling with..."
I love that. Because that's all I really want. I just want someone to understand what this feels like...
And Someone does.
Oh, Erin, I wish I could wrap you up in a big hug and feed you cake and hot chocolate. (This might explain my weight issues, LOL.) I can't pretend to really understand what you are experiencing, but I kind of understand the feelings of transition-- of being on the edge of one thing, ready to take a leap into who-knows-where. When you come back, I hope we can get together for coffee. Sending you so much love.
ReplyDeleteI'm praying for you, Erin.
ReplyDeleteI felt a bit like that when I moved back home to MN from Iowa. It was hard to leave a life I loved but it was clear that it wasn't where I was supposed to be. Now eight years later (and a husband and three kids) it feels better but I remember the hurt of those days.
God has great plans for you! It's a good thing that we don't know about the ups and downs or else we would miss so many things. Thanks for sharing your heart.