One in Four

"Oh my soul oh--how you worry! Oh how you're weary from fearing you've lost control. This was the one thing you didn't see coming, and no one would blame you if you cried in private--if you tried to hide it so no one knows. No one would see if you stopped believing."

I am now one in four.

I prayed. I begged the Lord, "Please, you answered Hannah. You can answer me."

He answered. He brought life as only He can do. We rejoiced. Tears of happiness.

I filled my calendar with all of the milestones I remember looking forward to reaching the first time around: the day we would tell family; the day I'd tell my students; the half-way point; and THE day.

Then something didn't feel right.

Spotting.
Questions.
Fears.
Tears
Prayers.
Tests.
Blood.
Tests.

"I'm sorry for your loss."

And just like that, the life He gave to us He ripped away.

And I am now one in four.

Initially, I accepted it and even felt somewhat proud of how I handled it. But announcements started coming. Multiple friends and family have all shared their happy news. And I have sat in my chair covered in tears wondering, "God why did you rip away the life you gave?"

And I have felt like Martha, "Lord, if you had been here..."

If you had just made it stop.
If you had just protected instead of taken.
If you had....

but He didn't.

He gives. He takes. And through pain in tears I choose to say, "Blessed be the name of the Lord."

Because it takes faith to believe that. It takes faith to want to follow a God that can give and take.

Yet I know He hasn't asked of me anything that he hasn't already endured for me.

He gave his Son.
We took him.
We killed him.

"Oh my soul, you are not alone. There's a place where fear has to face the God you know."

The God I know loves me. He lost a Son for me.
Actually, He GAVE his son for me.

I am One in Four. It wasn't my choice. It would never be my choice.
He's the One who willingly gave his Son for me. It was his choice.

He chose the hurt I have experienced in a tiny, fractional way.

He chose this pain.

And He chose to endure it for people that hated him.

So I can endure being one in four because he's given One for me.