I've really tried to blog lately. Countless times I've logged in, started to try to put my thoughts into an entry...and felt far too exposed or bare...and quickly deleted my thoughts to maintain a privacy that for some reason feels necessary right now. And to be quite honest, I haven't even decided if this will make it to a post...
God has been teaching me so much lately. And so much of it, I'd rather learn another way. He's confronted me with how I have tried for so long to guard against any type of hurt that I could. When the possibility for it arises, I flee. I say, "no." I run. I try my hardest to protect what seems so important to me, refusing to trust that God could use hurt for my good. I somehow have justified that I could trust God, but never anyone else...and that that was Biblical, because the Bible says, "guard your heart..." I took this verse to an extreme and began to use it as a right to build an impossible defense system to keep people from penetrating to the deepest parts of my heart. Mainly, because I was afraid.
Afraid to allow people to see ME...and reject ME.
Afraid that if I didn't...my heart would be broken.
But what God is showing me little by little is that what I have offered in return to people is not love. Because love is risky. Love is messy. And to truly love is always to hurt.
And I have sat, eyes wet with tears, asking God if I could really do it. Could I really open my heart up? Could I be that? And be okay if I was broken, hurt, and rejected?
And He has answered...
"Do you trust me? Do you take me at my Word? Because I have already told you I work all things for your good? Remember, I said that nothing could separate you from my love. Not even hurt. Not even rejection. My love would restore. My love would heal. My love would. I gave my Son for you. Won't you trust me with the heart I created and redeemed? Won't you love like me? Because I want your heart to look like mine...and that means you must love. Willingly. Sacrificially. And recklessly."
So I'm trying...little by little to tear it down. But I need God to pull a Jericho to make this thing come crashing down. Patterns and habits are not easily broken. I'm just begging God to help me. Little by little...step by step...
Monday, December 19, 2011
Thursday, December 15, 2011
He washed my eyes with tears that I might see,
The broken heart I had was good for me;
He tore it all apart and looked inside,
He found it full of fear and foolish pride.
He swept away the things that made me blind,
And then I saw the clouds were silver lined;
And now I understand 'twas best for me,
He washed my eyes with tears that I might see.
He washed my eyes with tears that I might see,
The glory of Himself revealed to me;
I did not know that He had wounded hands,
I saw the blood He spilt upon the sands.
I saw the marks of shame and wept and cried,
He was my substitute for me He died;
And now I'm glad He came so tenderly
And washed my eyes with tears that I might see.
By Ira Stanphill
Ran across this poem and loved it...
The broken heart I had was good for me;
He tore it all apart and looked inside,
He found it full of fear and foolish pride.
He swept away the things that made me blind,
And then I saw the clouds were silver lined;
And now I understand 'twas best for me,
He washed my eyes with tears that I might see.
He washed my eyes with tears that I might see,
The glory of Himself revealed to me;
I did not know that He had wounded hands,
I saw the blood He spilt upon the sands.
I saw the marks of shame and wept and cried,
He was my substitute for me He died;
And now I'm glad He came so tenderly
And washed my eyes with tears that I might see.
By Ira Stanphill
Ran across this poem and loved it...
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Decipher this...
Lately I can't write on this blog. It takes too much work...and this will most likely be the last for a while.
My heart can't be deciphered into words...let alone words that sound coherent and captivate a reader.
But let me make a lame attempt.
I guess lately I'm learning that just because God has always done something one way doesn't mean He will continue to work that way in the future. I've found with several things in my life that I have assumed that God would never answer according to what I desired...because history has proved from my past that He never has. Therefore I assumed He never would. So somewhere, somehow I did the most obvious and most reasonable thing I could think of: I shut down those desires. I removed hope. I stopped asking. I said, "no" to my heart. Because hearing Him say it repeatedly was far too painful.
And somewhere in the past six months, God undid me. He whispered to my heart that trying to control my life was useless. He showed me that deep within those desires could never die, no matter how hard I tried to suffocate them by refusing to waste my breath praying for them. He broke me. He showed me that I couldn't master my heart. I couldn't lead it and control it.
And in complete brokenness... I started asking God to work, against everything my heart told me.
And now... as I see Him gradually beginning to work, I can't understand it. It makes no sense to me. He isn't supposed to do this. He was supposed to say, "no." And every little "yes" that He gives terrifies me. It undoes me. Because I don't know how to walk this road. I don't know how to handle a hope I've crushed being restored. I keep waiting for Him to do it. To rip it away. To tell me, "no, never..." I keep waiting for disappointment. It's what I know.
But it hasn't come...
And I've realized I understand very little of trust and very little of God's love.
Regardless of what God does, this is the journey of trust I know He wants me to walk through. Am I willing to risk stepping out in faith? Am I ready to trust Him with what I value more than anything else in life?
So... that's as much as I can get into words tonight... although, I'm not sure if those words even made sense...But it's as good as it's going to get tonight.
My heart can't be deciphered into words...let alone words that sound coherent and captivate a reader.
But let me make a lame attempt.
I guess lately I'm learning that just because God has always done something one way doesn't mean He will continue to work that way in the future. I've found with several things in my life that I have assumed that God would never answer according to what I desired...because history has proved from my past that He never has. Therefore I assumed He never would. So somewhere, somehow I did the most obvious and most reasonable thing I could think of: I shut down those desires. I removed hope. I stopped asking. I said, "no" to my heart. Because hearing Him say it repeatedly was far too painful.
And somewhere in the past six months, God undid me. He whispered to my heart that trying to control my life was useless. He showed me that deep within those desires could never die, no matter how hard I tried to suffocate them by refusing to waste my breath praying for them. He broke me. He showed me that I couldn't master my heart. I couldn't lead it and control it.
And in complete brokenness... I started asking God to work, against everything my heart told me.
And now... as I see Him gradually beginning to work, I can't understand it. It makes no sense to me. He isn't supposed to do this. He was supposed to say, "no." And every little "yes" that He gives terrifies me. It undoes me. Because I don't know how to walk this road. I don't know how to handle a hope I've crushed being restored. I keep waiting for Him to do it. To rip it away. To tell me, "no, never..." I keep waiting for disappointment. It's what I know.
But it hasn't come...
And I've realized I understand very little of trust and very little of God's love.
Regardless of what God does, this is the journey of trust I know He wants me to walk through. Am I willing to risk stepping out in faith? Am I ready to trust Him with what I value more than anything else in life?
So... that's as much as I can get into words tonight... although, I'm not sure if those words even made sense...But it's as good as it's going to get tonight.
Monday, November 28, 2011
Two Roads...
Two roads diverged and I
Stand fearfully and utterly still
Straining to see further down the roads
Yearning to know where each leads.
Two roads diverged and I
Beg for direction and cry,
"I want the one You want for me!"
Yet silence looms eerily here.
Two roads diverged and I
Try to figure out which is His will
Could one leave me broken? Or one leave me empty?
These paths seem so different to me.
Two roads diverged and I
Pray God would close at least one.
Bring up a wall or remove the path
Anything but ask me choose.
Two roads diverged and I
Question why God brought me here.
Doesn't He want the best for my life?
Doesn't He hear when I cry?
I want to obey him,
I want to walk with him,
I want His will and not mine.
Two roads diverged and I
Remember the Good Shepherd promises,
Not one of His sheep will He ever lose,
Not one will He let go astray.
Two roads diverged and I
But really, not simply "I"
I stand at the paths held firm in His hand
Assured of His presence for both.
Two roads
Diverged
and I....
Were destined to eventually meet.
They're refining and testing this faith that I claim.
They're asking me to walk
A road so very well-traveled by all,
By all who would call themselves His.
So I'll look at you, Roads, though diverged you may be
As nothing more than you are:
A simple chance to walk by faith,
To see more clearly my God.
And a little journey that regardless the path
Clearly leads to my Home in heaven.
Two roads diverged and I,
I saw them begin to converge.
The journey of both being utterly the same:
To make me more trust Him,
To make me more love Him,
To make me more clearly see Him.
One simple road and I
I told my Father, "Yes...
Less like me I yearn to be,
More like You I long to be,
Even if two roads diverging it takes..."
Stand fearfully and utterly still
Straining to see further down the roads
Yearning to know where each leads.
Two roads diverged and I
Beg for direction and cry,
"I want the one You want for me!"
Yet silence looms eerily here.
Two roads diverged and I
Try to figure out which is His will
Could one leave me broken? Or one leave me empty?
These paths seem so different to me.
Two roads diverged and I
Pray God would close at least one.
Bring up a wall or remove the path
Anything but ask me choose.
Two roads diverged and I
Question why God brought me here.
Doesn't He want the best for my life?
Doesn't He hear when I cry?
I want to obey him,
I want to walk with him,
I want His will and not mine.
Two roads diverged and I
Remember the Good Shepherd promises,
Not one of His sheep will He ever lose,
Not one will He let go astray.
Two roads diverged and I
But really, not simply "I"
I stand at the paths held firm in His hand
Assured of His presence for both.
Two roads
Diverged
and I....
Were destined to eventually meet.
They're refining and testing this faith that I claim.
They're asking me to walk
A road so very well-traveled by all,
By all who would call themselves His.
So I'll look at you, Roads, though diverged you may be
As nothing more than you are:
A simple chance to walk by faith,
To see more clearly my God.
And a little journey that regardless the path
Clearly leads to my Home in heaven.
Two roads diverged and I,
I saw them begin to converge.
The journey of both being utterly the same:
To make me more trust Him,
To make me more love Him,
To make me more clearly see Him.
One simple road and I
I told my Father, "Yes...
Less like me I yearn to be,
More like You I long to be,
Even if two roads diverging it takes..."
Monday, November 14, 2011
When worlds collide...
It's such a weird thing when worlds collide. I remember Charity talking about how strange it was to have a team of people from her world back in the States come visit her world here. I didn't really understand that until today.
It's so odd to see them here... and it's only the first day.
It's also so fun to be reminded of all the things that are now normal to me but are new to them. Figuring out how to flush the toilet, walking on cobblestone, the crazy parking, all the cars (ok, this never really meant anything to me...because I judge cars by color...but apparently it's interesting to my dad), all the marble and tile in the buildings, seeing rows upon rows of apartment buildings and a landscape of tile roofs, listening to my mom and dad gasp as I enter roundabouts, and cling to the side of the cars as we maneuver through streets that make no sense to the American mindset.
I'm so grateful they could be here. It means so much that they will be able to understand what has become so much of my heart and my life. To have them be able to see my life here, meet people that I have grown to love like family, and experience what I have adapted to is priceless. Knowing that whenever I return they will understand perhaps to some extent what I mean when I say I miss this or that...or this person or that person is just comforting in a weird way.
I'm excited to be able to show them more, introduce them to my church family, and hear even more what they find fascinating.
It's so odd to see them here... and it's only the first day.
It's also so fun to be reminded of all the things that are now normal to me but are new to them. Figuring out how to flush the toilet, walking on cobblestone, the crazy parking, all the cars (ok, this never really meant anything to me...because I judge cars by color...but apparently it's interesting to my dad), all the marble and tile in the buildings, seeing rows upon rows of apartment buildings and a landscape of tile roofs, listening to my mom and dad gasp as I enter roundabouts, and cling to the side of the cars as we maneuver through streets that make no sense to the American mindset.
I'm so grateful they could be here. It means so much that they will be able to understand what has become so much of my heart and my life. To have them be able to see my life here, meet people that I have grown to love like family, and experience what I have adapted to is priceless. Knowing that whenever I return they will understand perhaps to some extent what I mean when I say I miss this or that...or this person or that person is just comforting in a weird way.
I'm excited to be able to show them more, introduce them to my church family, and hear even more what they find fascinating.
Thursday, November 10, 2011
I talked at length with a dear friend of mine the other night. We shared the latest things God has been doing in our lives since we last chatted in August.
God divinely arranged it. As I poured out to her my heart, my confusion, what God has been doing, and explained the puzzle pieces of it all, it was such a comfort to hear her say, "I remember that exact same feeling, Erin. And I don't get why God does things like this either...but He does."
She's been in my shoes. She's lived in another country. And she's fallen in love with it. She's walked through deciphering why God was allowing and leading in directions that didn't make sense to her at the time. She's walked through leaving and pursuing a direction that seemed to be illogical and even absurd. She's had to answer people's questions, and deal with all the emotions of being torn from something she loved while being excited for the next path God had for her.
Friendships are a beautiful thing. Just knowing that there was someone who understood in a small way what I was praying through was an unexpected blessing. To hear her promise to pray and remind me of the truth of God's Word left me blessed and overwhelmed with gratitude.
And as I began to reflect on our friendship...I realized the most incredible thing. God brought our paths together during a year of my life that made absolutely no sense to me. I never understood why God made me walk through that difficult year...and why He led me to that place to begin with only to have everything fall apart...Yet without that year I would have never forged an incredible friendship that has lasted four years later. God's plan is so perfect. While I know there are many lessons I learned there and perhaps a million reasons why He led me there that I am unaware of, perhaps one was for such a time as this. Because the Lord knew that four years later I would need her counsel, her advice, her ear, and her understanding.
It was just another reminder that I am trusting in a sovereign God. One who plans for my good and His glory. One who knows me, inside and out. One who loves and understands me. One who desires for me to experience life abundantly in Him. One with whom no tear is wasted, and no pain left unused. He has blessed me beyond measure... and I am forever indebted to Him.
God divinely arranged it. As I poured out to her my heart, my confusion, what God has been doing, and explained the puzzle pieces of it all, it was such a comfort to hear her say, "I remember that exact same feeling, Erin. And I don't get why God does things like this either...but He does."
She's been in my shoes. She's lived in another country. And she's fallen in love with it. She's walked through deciphering why God was allowing and leading in directions that didn't make sense to her at the time. She's walked through leaving and pursuing a direction that seemed to be illogical and even absurd. She's had to answer people's questions, and deal with all the emotions of being torn from something she loved while being excited for the next path God had for her.
Friendships are a beautiful thing. Just knowing that there was someone who understood in a small way what I was praying through was an unexpected blessing. To hear her promise to pray and remind me of the truth of God's Word left me blessed and overwhelmed with gratitude.
And as I began to reflect on our friendship...I realized the most incredible thing. God brought our paths together during a year of my life that made absolutely no sense to me. I never understood why God made me walk through that difficult year...and why He led me to that place to begin with only to have everything fall apart...Yet without that year I would have never forged an incredible friendship that has lasted four years later. God's plan is so perfect. While I know there are many lessons I learned there and perhaps a million reasons why He led me there that I am unaware of, perhaps one was for such a time as this. Because the Lord knew that four years later I would need her counsel, her advice, her ear, and her understanding.
It was just another reminder that I am trusting in a sovereign God. One who plans for my good and His glory. One who knows me, inside and out. One who loves and understands me. One who desires for me to experience life abundantly in Him. One with whom no tear is wasted, and no pain left unused. He has blessed me beyond measure... and I am forever indebted to Him.
Monday, November 7, 2011
A weekend...
It's Monday...
and I am exhausted.
Let me recap my weekend as best I can:
1)Prayer meeting
2)Baking cookies till 1:30 in the morning
3)Last minute decision to go sight-seeing
4)Crazy car rides
5)Getting lost
6)Driving on train tracks
7)Nearly driving off a bridge
8)Hiking through a beautiful park to find a castle
9)Touring a castle and beautiful monastery
10)Getting locked out of the park we needed to go through to get to the car
11)Walking for an hour in the dark trying to figure out how to find the car
12)Praying that I wouldn't have to call the police to help me find the car
13)Finding a man and working up the courage to explain the predicament in Portuguese
14)Hearing him promise he'd help us find the car...and then mutter the word, "matar" which means "to kill"
15)Deciding not to tell my colleagues (who didn't understand Portuguese) that we may or may not live through the night
16)Replaying the conversation with the word "matar" in it about forty-five times in my head...and finally figuring out that he meant a dog...not us.
17)Finding the car after walking what felt like an eternity in the dark
18)Praising the Lord for the kindness of random Portuguese strangers
19)Church
20)Lunch with my friends...lots of Portuguese...
21)Trying to concentrate on Portuguese while my brain is desperately wanting to shut down and sleep
22)Coming home from lunch and realizing I had ten minutes until I had to leave to go sing at another church
23)Realizing I couldn't find the lyrics to the song I was supposed to sing
24)Running through the song with my friend one time
25)Driving an hour to the church
26)Walking in and realizing it was utter chaos
27)Singing without ever running through the song, or even checking sound...or for that matter even knowing when I was supposed to sing
28)Kissing and hugging all sorts of people I didn't know (it was like the Portuguese version of "I'm so glad I'm a part of the family of God..." when we all used to hold hands...only not so much hand-holding...and much more kissing and hugging)
29)Feeling very American and trying to force myself to be okay with tight spaces, no personal space, and loud noise...and chaos.
And here I am...Monday morning. Tired, but alive. Grateful to have this time here. And wrestling deep in my heart with what feels like my heart being broken in two. I'm so in love with people here...and my life here... and yet I can't figure out all that God is doing or why He is allowing certain things.
I don't know.
But I know He does.
And in time...He'll show me when I'm ready.
and I am exhausted.
Let me recap my weekend as best I can:
1)Prayer meeting
2)Baking cookies till 1:30 in the morning
3)Last minute decision to go sight-seeing
4)Crazy car rides
5)Getting lost
6)Driving on train tracks
7)Nearly driving off a bridge
8)Hiking through a beautiful park to find a castle
9)Touring a castle and beautiful monastery
10)Getting locked out of the park we needed to go through to get to the car
11)Walking for an hour in the dark trying to figure out how to find the car
12)Praying that I wouldn't have to call the police to help me find the car
13)Finding a man and working up the courage to explain the predicament in Portuguese
14)Hearing him promise he'd help us find the car...and then mutter the word, "matar" which means "to kill"
15)Deciding not to tell my colleagues (who didn't understand Portuguese) that we may or may not live through the night
16)Replaying the conversation with the word "matar" in it about forty-five times in my head...and finally figuring out that he meant a dog...not us.
17)Finding the car after walking what felt like an eternity in the dark
18)Praising the Lord for the kindness of random Portuguese strangers
19)Church
20)Lunch with my friends...lots of Portuguese...
21)Trying to concentrate on Portuguese while my brain is desperately wanting to shut down and sleep
22)Coming home from lunch and realizing I had ten minutes until I had to leave to go sing at another church
23)Realizing I couldn't find the lyrics to the song I was supposed to sing
24)Running through the song with my friend one time
25)Driving an hour to the church
26)Walking in and realizing it was utter chaos
27)Singing without ever running through the song, or even checking sound...or for that matter even knowing when I was supposed to sing
28)Kissing and hugging all sorts of people I didn't know (it was like the Portuguese version of "I'm so glad I'm a part of the family of God..." when we all used to hold hands...only not so much hand-holding...and much more kissing and hugging)
29)Feeling very American and trying to force myself to be okay with tight spaces, no personal space, and loud noise...and chaos.
And here I am...Monday morning. Tired, but alive. Grateful to have this time here. And wrestling deep in my heart with what feels like my heart being broken in two. I'm so in love with people here...and my life here... and yet I can't figure out all that God is doing or why He is allowing certain things.
I don't know.
But I know He does.
And in time...He'll show me when I'm ready.
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