Decipher this...

Lately I can't write on this blog. It takes too much work...and this will most likely be the last for a while.
My heart can't be deciphered into words...let alone words that sound coherent and captivate a reader.

But let me make a lame attempt.

I guess lately I'm learning that just because God has always done something one way doesn't mean He will continue to work that way in the future. I've found with several things in my life that I have assumed that God would never answer according to what I desired...because history has proved from my past that He never has. Therefore I assumed He never would. So somewhere, somehow I did the most obvious and most reasonable thing I could think of: I shut down those desires. I removed hope. I stopped asking. I said, "no" to my heart. Because hearing Him say it repeatedly was far too painful.

And somewhere in the past six months, God undid me. He whispered to my heart that trying to control my life was useless. He showed me that deep within those desires could never die, no matter how hard I tried to suffocate them by refusing to waste my breath praying for them. He broke me. He showed me that I couldn't master my heart. I couldn't lead it and control it.

And in complete brokenness... I started asking God to work, against everything my heart told me.
And now... as I see Him gradually beginning to work, I can't understand it. It makes no sense to me. He isn't supposed to do this. He was supposed to say, "no." And every little "yes" that He gives terrifies me. It undoes me. Because I don't know how to walk this road. I don't know how to handle a hope I've crushed being restored. I keep waiting for Him to do it. To rip it away. To tell me, "no, never..." I keep waiting for disappointment. It's what I know.

But it hasn't come...

And I've realized I understand very little of trust and very little of God's love.
Regardless of what God does, this is the journey of trust I know He wants me to walk through. Am I willing to risk stepping out in faith? Am I ready to trust Him with what I value more than anything else in life?

So... that's as much as I can get into words tonight... although, I'm not sure if those words even made sense...But it's as good as it's going to get tonight.