"You're gonna miss this...."

Lately I have been thinking about the next stage of life... What it might look like, how I am going to get there, what I am going to do... And I have been restless.

Restless because I can't see myself doing what I am doing forever and have no end in sight.

Restless because I want a place to call home... That doesn't include being a hallway away from my parents.

Restless because I know what I want, and don't have it.

I think God can use the most peculiar things to convict, remind, and rebuke us if we are ready and listening. For me... It was a country song.

The lyrics were simple, but cutting.

"You're gonna miss this... You're gonna want this back.
You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by quite so fast.
These are some good times,
So take a good look around.
You may not know it now, but you're gonna miss this..."

How many times have I looked back on circumstances that in the moment I was wishing away and yet, now seem more than ideal?

I want to live life in the moment. I want to be overwhelmed with gratitude now...

For the solitude of a cubicle...
For walks to the coffee shop...
For two paychecks a month...
For healthy parents...
For Saturdays on the farm and Mondays in the city...
For independence...
For friends around the globe...
For a quiet life...
For dates that end leaving me wanting one more...
For evenings spent in Proverbs...
For time to journal...

Because this is a good time. And I don't want to miss it.

Yes, there are things I want answers to and somedays I'd give anything for some definite plans.. But when I really think about it... Maybe I don't want to know the end of the story. Maybe it would ruin the plot.

Because these are some good times,
And I dont want to miss a single one...

Say what?

Some days it happens when I least expect it. I think I hear it... And I turn into a crazy stalker until I can definitively decide whether or not that foreign language is the one I love and miss.

Friday was my low. I noticed three people, and they looked Portuguese. Instantly, I was intrigued. Then... I heard them speak, and my heart started beating faster when I knew it wasn't English. I stopped, mid aisle and darted directly to where they were standing. I instantly became fascinated by a hideous display of Bath and Body Works wannabes. Every word felt like it was tempting me. It sounded so similar... So much like it could be Portuguese. I kept inching my way closer until I realized I was literally touching one of the women.

And then... It was clear. It wasn't my language. I quickly tried to exit without drawing more attention from them then I already had. I walked away disappointed.


Every now and then my heart just wants to hear it. To be reminded of what the foreign that became familiar sounds like. To feel a connection with a place that was my home.

I walked out of the store, got in my car, and drove away. Somewhere between the store and my home, I started having a conversation with myself in Portuguese. Asking myself questions, seeing if I could still remember how to answer, and trying to determine how much language I have lost.

It's odd how my life there seems so incredibly distant, so long ago, and so removed from now. I don't understand it. But, I guess I don't have to...

But there will always be a piece of my heart that leaps when I hear anything that sounds remotely like Portuguese.

Who says there's nothing to do in Iowa? ;)

Just a few of the crazy, cultural experiences I've had upon my return to the good old U.S. of A.


A cow giving beijinhos to a bull. ;)

My first demolition derby... more fun than I thought, and definitely more crazy. :)

My first circus...

A place that kind of looks like Portugal in Iowa. :) Love it...

I didn't do this... but it's true.

Coming home has been anything but boring. I have been jaw-dropped and overwhelmed at watching God meet little needs and desires. More posts to come on that...but today I'm just grateful. Grateful for a God that gives new life after death, joy after sorrow, and peace in the midst of uncertainty. He is good... and that's all I have to say. :)

Foggy days...

Right now my students are at choir, my lessons are ready, and I am staring at what should be a clear view of Lisbon, but is instead a foggy, wet mess. I love the fog in Portugal. Some days, it is so strong you can barely see the anything beyond what is directly in front of you.

It's such a great reminder to me. Fog doesn't change the reality of what is there. Regardless of what I can or cannot see momentarily, the rock solid truth is that my sight doesn't change my reality. And my reality is that I am held in the hands of a God who plans perfectly to bring himself glory.

This week as I was searching for a verse to memorize with my students, I found this in Proverbs:

"There is no wisdom, no insight, no plan that can succeed against the Lord."

Beautiful, isn't it? There is nothing... not even a thick fog that can succeed against God's truth.

Come

I think one of the things I like the least about missions is the long, drawn-out process that is known as the "good-bye." I hate it.

This week, I started that process by saying first of so many goodbyes with my class of women that I teach every Thursday night. They all asked when I was returning...to which I stumbled and stuttered, "Uh, well... I don't really know." They asked what I would do when I returned to the States....to which I stumbled and stuttered, "Uh...I,er,well, I'll start by moving in with my parents."

As we finished exchanging email addresses and "witching" each other well "witches" (yes, my women still cannot pronounce the "sh" sound in "wish." So... I kept hearing "I witch you many blessings"), my thoughts went to the next month. I thought of the slow, painful process that I know this will be.

I know it's healthy to do it this way, but sometimes I wish I could just hop on a plane and avoid ever having to do it. When I left for Portugal, it was hard, but it was different. There was excitement and anticipation...and I knew that I would eventually return. This, this feels different. I dread it.

Wednesday, Laura and I sorted through our entire apartment. We created piles of stuff to sell, packed more luggage, and got school furniture that we aren't using ready to be taken from our apartment.

It's odd to come to the apparent "end" of one journey. Some days I am filled with excitement wondering what God has next. Other days, all that excitement is overwhelmed by thoughts of the imminent reality of no job, insurance, or even idea of where to begin looking for those things. And all too often, I feel like a twelve year old girl entertaining thoughts of running away and never having to make another decision.

I read the passage yesterday about Peter in the boat. Before I came to Portugal, a dear friend and mentor of mine constantly reminded me to not be afraid to "step out of the boat." Those words were the strength I needed at many times to push through my fears and begin to do what felt impossible at the time.

But yesterday as I read, I noticed something I'd never noticed before in that passage. Peter didn't see Jesus and decide to take the step of faith. Before Peter ever took one step out of that boat, he wanted to be sure He was heading toward Christ, and not some figment of his imagination, or whatever it might be that speaks to men in the midst of storms. Peter asked for some clarification. He said, "Lord, if it is you, bid me to come."

My eyes welled with tears. Because in the storm that God is asking me to endure right now, not much is clear. And prior to reading that passage I had just prayed, "God, is this really you doing this? Do you really want me to step out in faith on this? Or... did I miss it? Did I imagine you doing this? Can you just show me?"

I saw in Peter such a desire to do the right thing. I saw a genuine heart cry to in faith do the impossible... but even Peter needed to be sure it was Christ...and not a disastrous step that would cost him his future and possibly his life.

And Christ answered, "Come."

That word resonated with me.

"Come."

So I'm praying. I'm praying that somehow, someway, God would whisper that word to my heart about some things. I want to be willing to step out in faith if it is truly God leading...but, I just need some reassurance that it is HIM, and not my own doing.

So I'm waiting.... listening.... and ready for the word. Oh, I know... it won't lesson the intensity of the storm. And, like Peter, it won't be easy even when I know it is truly Him I'm walking towards... but I'll be ready to take the step when I hear him say it.

Do you want to know something strange?

In less than fifty days, I have absolutely no idea what I am doing with my life. I will return, move into my parents house (at the age of 28), and... well... I don't even know, honestly.

But the strange, absurd thing about it all is that I'm getting excited. God has to show up... He has to come through... He has to provide... He has to lead... because, I have nothing. He has brought me to a place of forced trust.

And what I love more than anything, is knowing that it is His name, not mine, at stake. It is His glory, not mine, that will be displayed.

So, I'm getting anxious to see how He's going to provide for my needs. And, He's challenging so much of my American view of the word "need" that I am curious to see what He deems a "need" by what He chooses to provide for me.

I wonder if this is what Moses felt... when he reached the Red Sea and realized it was God... or else. Or David when he stood before Goliath. Or Abraham when he stood over Isaac with his knife raised.

I know my life is small and insignificant. But, I like knowing that God has brought me to the place where it's Him... or it's nothing.

And I can't wait to see what He does...

God will take care of you...

Every Friday at school the staff at GLCA gets together and sings hymns. I'd be lying if I said I loved it. Don't get me wrong, I love the staff at GLCA. And I love to sing. And I love songs. But...I don't always like every hymn. Sometimes, well... sometimes I just can't stand the melodies. Or I think there are waaaaaay to many verses and wonder if the hymn will ever end.

That being said, I do like many.

However, on Fridays we sing from a ancient brown hymnal that lacks many new "modern" songs like... "Victory in Jesus." For this reason, sometimes when a hymn is requested, I... well... I inwardly groan.

This happened Friday. The song...
"God Will Take Care of You."

I think the words are great. But, honestly, I cannot stand the melody. And when I saw it was the number we were going to sing, I inwardly wished I could hit fast-forward. Nevertheless, I sung. I may have giggled a little when Cal held the "He will take caaaare of yoooooooooou..." but I got through it.

Monday morning, when I walked into our teacher's workroom, out of nowhere, I started singing the song. Frustrated that the melody line was stuck in my head, I started belting the song out in my best church lady voice slaughtering all the words. Joyce corrected me on my poor lyric memory, and commented, "You know, maybe God has it in your head for a reason..." like any good missionary would say. (that was for you, Joyce. ;) )

All day long I've had the chorus in my head, but haven't been able to think of any of the verses. Tonight, I finally googled it. And yes, Joyce was right. Every line of the verse addresses a major fear or concern in my heart. Let me just share...

Be not dismayed whate'er betide, (even if insurance runs out and I'm jobless)
God will take care of you!
Beneath His wings of love abide, (whether it's in Portugal or the U.S.)
God will take care of you!

God will take care of you,
Through every day o'er all the way; (No matter what an emotional mess I am)
He will take care of you;
God will take care of you!

Through days of toil when heart doth fail, (This weekend...enough said)
God will take care of you!
When dangers fierce your path assail, (because if I truly follow Christ, "safe"
takes on a whole different meaning...)
God will take care of you!

All you may need He will provide, (even though I can't imagine or see how)
God will take care of you!
Trust Him, and you will be satisfied,(even if it seems impossible)
God will take care of you!

Lonely and sad, from friends apart, (Oh, so many friends I miss and will miss)
God will take care of you!
He will give peace to your aching heart, (tomorrow when I say the first goodbye of many, to two people who have become like family and best friends to me)
God will take care of you!

No matter what may be the test, (sigh...)
God will take care of you!
Lean, weary one, upon His breast, (leaning....)
God will take care of you!