Oh what a tangled web we weave...

My mind has been constantly trying to come to an understanding of the different events that occurred this past week.
This last week was just one of those terrible-horrible-no-good-very-bad- weeks...at least from a human perspective. Not one thing in particular...just an awful combination of so many things...
Yet in the culmination of such frustrating events, I recognize the hand of God.
I know that when I encounter circumstances that are beyond my control, I am forced to acknowledge that I cannot control anything.
I know that when people hurt or frustrate me, I am forced analyze why I'm bothered...and then I remember that there is only one person that should be sitting on the throne in my heart...and it can't be me.
Lastly, I know that in circumstances that were so delicately crafted to quite possibly discourage or defeat, my foundation is strong.
Yeah...it's been one of those weeks.
One of those weeks where God reminds me:
He's the Potter...I'm the clay.
He's the Vine...I'm the branch.
He's Alpha and Omega...I'm a vapor.
He's Faithful and True...I'm...well...I'm Gomer.

I was teaching today about the life of Joseph. I used an illustration I had heard in a poem about a tapestry. I explained that Joseph didn't know how all the events in his life fit together. He didn't see the grand picture. He didn't know when he was sitting in a prison falsely accused that in a few years he would once again be second in command. God looks at the events in our lives and sees a a beautiful picture. We see the underside of a tapestry...strings out of place...sometimes a knotted mess. One day, we'll see the full picture. But for right now, we just see bits and pieces. As I got the words out, I realized that perhaps I was the one that needed to hear that the most.
So I dug out the poem(ok, I really just googled it)...great reminder.

The Weaver

My life is but a weaving, between my God and me.
I do not choose the colors, he worketh steadily.
Oft' times he weaveth sorrow, and I in foolish pride,
Forget He sees the upper, and I the underside.

Not till the looms are silent, and the shuttles cease to fly.
Will God unroll the canvas and explain the reasons why,
The dark threads are as needful in the skillful Weaver's hand,
As the threads of gold and silver in the pattern He has planned.

Author Unknown

I can only imagine...

I wonder what it's like...those first few moments. I wonder what it feels like to recognize someone you've lived your life for...Having never seen, heard, or touched Him...what is it like? I wonder if you fall...if you embrace...or if you simply stare, eyes wide and jaw dropped. I wonder if it's different for every person. I wonder.
Is it just you and Him? Or is there a whole crowd cheering your final, long awaited entrance? What's it like to know that your real life is just beginning?
I wonder what it's like...

This morning, one of my heroes died. But if I'm being completely honest, he died to himself years ago...today it just became official.
He was always a picture to me of what it meant to be consumed with Christ. I'll admit that when I was younger, I was always worried he'd ask me a question from the Bible that I couldn't answer. When I was a teenager, I was worried that he would say something that would convict me. But the deeper that I have fallen in love with my Savior, the more I found I had in common with this man. The more I appreciated watching him with others...the more I admired his blatant evangelism with anyone and everyone...the more I longed for his ability to guide conversations to spiritual things. He didn't live for himself. I knew that if I spoke with him...our conversation would be centered on Christ. That intimidated me for a while. But the older I grew...the more I appreciated that. Often times when I was at his granddaughter's house, I would wind up listening to Him or conversing with Him about Christianity...about the Cross...or just about Christ.
I've been thinking a lot about a conversation I had with him before I left for Portugal. I remember sitting there looking up at him passionately telling me one of his favorite missionary stories. I realized that the next time I'd see him would most likely be in heaven. As I opened my mouth to ask him a question, he began to share with me the most important piece of advice he could have given me. It isn't profound...it isn't ground-breaking or earth-shattering...but it's exactly what I needed to hear.
"Erin," he said, "the most important thing I've done in my Christian life is to sit down, every single night, refusing to go to bed until I know I'm right with the Lord. Make sure you keep your account with Him current. Think through your day. Confess anything that you know you've done, and ask the Lord to show you the things you've forgotten....'cause if you don't...you're useless and ineffective...and Satan has you where he wants you. Then it might be weeks before you confess your sins and restore your relationship with him. Stay current."
As I drove home that evening, I began to think through the times when I know I strayed from the Lord. It was just like he had said...a small fade...a little thing unconfessed that diminished my desire to be in the Word...and the rest, well, it's history. It's such a simple thing, really. But it's so important! I'm not sure why I'd never thought that through before...but I'm so thankful God divinely arranged that conversation. It's one I've thought of so many times since...
I'm grateful for people who have rooted me on in my walk with Christ. I'm grateful for the godly examples that he gave me on this earth to challenge, inspire, and encourage me. I'm thankful for the testimony of someone who decided he wasn't going to live for himself...but rather for Him who had died for him.
I wonder what his first day was like...
Somehow, I can just hear him in the midst of the "great cloud of witnesses"...I can hear him whisper, "You have no idea...just wait, it's worth it. Keep living in purity in the midst of immorality...because it's worth it. Keep your eyes fixed on the prize...even when the world tells you to give up...because it's worth it. Continue to trust in the One you can't see...because I've seen Him....and He's worth it. Keep on... Press on...believe me, you won't be disappointed."

Because I'm too happy to sleep...

I know it's late...and I'll pay for this post tomorrow morning, but I just had to write tonight.
I love being here. It's amazing to me that it's almost been two months. It's incredibly amazing when I think about what I am just NOW feeling comfortable with doing or trying.
For example, this was the first week I was able to actually attempt to cook a recipe from home. Crazy, huh? It's just been too much for me to try to figure out substitutes or find ingredients in recipes I know. Finally, this week I sat down and went through every recipe I brought...which is really just my sister-in-law's cook book. I found everything I needed (minus refried beans...ok, I found them, but they would have cost $6...so I opted to make my own). It was so nice to eat something besides salad.
Today I decided to venture out to my church for a youth rally (at least, I think that's what it would be comparable to...). I've never really driven alone to church, especially at night, but I figured tonight would be a good time to start. As I was about halfway into the trip...I realized that for the first time I wasn't petrified of traffic or scared that I was going to end up in Spain. That's a great feeling, let me tell you.
Then, at the youth meeting, they concluded with a song that will always hold an incredible place in my heart. The words came up on the screen in Portuguese, and I didn't recognize them. But as the musicians started playing, tears filled my eyes. It was the song that my school sang when I realized it would, indeed, be possible for me to go to Portugal. I remember as the Grandview kids were singing, "I'll stand with arms high and heart abandoned, in awe of the One who gave it all," I thought that those words could have been scripted from the emotions soaring in my heart.
As I stood listening to the song in Portuguese, it was surreal. I remembered all the questions I had a year ago. Wondering how everything would come together...wondering if it ever would come together. But here I am... arms high, heart abandoned....and very much in awe of the One that gave it all. It was just the perfect reminder of how grateful I am to be where I know God wants me. "So what can I say? What can I do? But offer this heart, Oh Lord, completely to You."

Here's the song if you want to listen... :)
It's in Brazilian Portuguese, so it's a little different than what we sang.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xckkdR3TjN4

My God is so big...

What if I knew God would answer every prayer I had by midnight tonight?
I've been thinking about prayer so much this past month.
I've seen the Lord answer so many crazy prayer requests of mine. I remember in college everyone around me was either dating or engaged, and in a moment of frustration I prayed, "God, I just want a rose. Just one." I never told anyone. Two hours later a red rose was sitting on my desk.
I've seen Him answer according to the very numbers I've prayed. In high-school, I prayed that God would save five people on my friend's mission trip. When she returned she gave everyone in our class a different picture. She just "happened" to give me a picture of the FIVE people that were saved during her missions trip. In high school, I committed to giving a set amount of money to our church's building fund. It was a crazy amount because I was jobless. I prayed that God would provide the money for me to keep the commitment. One job after the next odd job, God brought every single dollar that I had committed to giving. One evening on our missions trip to Portugal, I prayed for two people to get saved. Sure enough, God saved two people.
I've seen Him answer according to the very dates I've prayed. I prayed my support would come in full before school ended. God answered. I prayed for my Visa to come by July 15. It arrived on exactly July 15.
God answers...
So why am I not praying for more? Not for selfish things...but for MORE
More glory to be given to Him.
More lives to be saved.
More young people to commit to serving Him.
More boldness in my life.
More love for others.
More of Christ, and less of me.

So would I pray differently if I knew God would answer by midnight tonight? It's haunting me...because I'm realizing how little I really pray for on a consistent, daily basis. There are so many people I would pray for...so many things I would ask God to change...so many lives I would beg God to save...if I knew He would answer tonight. I'd pray for hours...I'd call my friends...and their friends...

I know I don't do that because I fail to realize who my God is. When I pray, I am literally talking to the Most High. The Creator of the Universe listens to me. Piddly, klutzy, awkward me. He allows me into His presence. I stand before His throne...and as I stumble and fumble for words, He's listening. He inclines His ear to me, and He invites me to ask. And oddly enough...when He doesn't answer...He invites me to KEEP ASKING.

No more will I casually approach my prayer life. There are too many people who are hurting, too many lives that are lost, and far too many things that I cannot do in my own strength. God has given me access to Him, through Christ...
I know I'm just a girl...but I firmly believe that lives can change because of my prayers. Not because I'm anything...but because my God is.

So my list is made...but there's plenty of room...and I'm taking requests. :)

Week in review...

I don't even know where to begin tonight. I have sat down and typed up four completely different blog posts about this week...and I still can't seem to get my thoughts out in an orderly way. This being said, let me tell you about my week. :)
Have you ever been someplace and not really realized the significance of what you were seeing or doing until a few days later? That would be a great way to summarize the majority of my week.

Tuesday was a celebration of ABWE's 30th year in Portugal. People from all the different churches gathered together to celebrate what God has done and is continuing to do in this country. Every church showed a video and gave a short presentation. For me, it was a long day. I didn't really understand much of what was said, and I was really just looking forward to hearing a sermon from our regional director in English (which was incredible, I might add). It dawned on me about two days later that I sat in on a meeting that was really just a celebration of my God. Lives He had changed were gathered together to celebrate Him. I'm thankful I could see a tiny picture of what God has done here in Portugal. I wonder where they're going to meet for the 35th...it was standing room only this year. :)

On Thursday God chose to answer two prayers of mine. To make a long story short, our class has been praying for a car to be fixed. Originally the student's family was told it would cost 3,000 euros to fix the vehicle. We have been praying that God would either provide a new vehicle or a way for them to get it fixed for less. After my student first shared this, I started personally praying (which I greatly regret not praying this with my class...) that God would allow them to get it fixed for HALF that price...and that God would give them the money for it. Thursday morning my student said, "Oh, yeah, did you hear? We're getting the car fixed for half of what they said it would cost. And a church sent us the money to get it fixed." My jaw just about dropped. I love that...when God prompts you to pray something so SPECIFIC...so He can answer so SPECIFICALLY.

Yesterday I went with Laura to Starbucks. We sipped our coffee, graded papers, and stared at the random strangers staring at us. When we were in the midst of laughing about something, it hit me. For the first time, I felt like I was back home and out to coffee with a close friend. Everything felt so familiar...and it was wonderful. I'm thankful for little moments like that... moments where the world doesn't feel quite so large... moments where new acquaintances begin to feel like old friends.

Today Sarah and I went to church without Laura (who usually tells me when and where to turn). Sarah and I make a pretty great team in the car. She watches the Garmin and then tells me what it means as I focus on trying to do what it says without killing us. :) It's great...
I love being at Loures church. I know I don't understand everything that is being preached, but the Word doesn't return void...even when it's in Portuguese. :) It's exciting to feel like I am grasping a little bit more each Sunday. I also decided that in heaven we'll be singing the Portuguese version of "Celebrate, Jesus, Celebrate." :) Seriously...it's so much more fun.

Coffee Talk... :)

There are so many things that I want to write on here...I wish I could tell all the ways God has gripped, grabbed, and held my attention. I'd love to sit down at a coffee shop with so many people today and just unload...share the things God is doing in my heart and in the hearts of people around me. I wish I could rub off a bit of the burden God is putting on my heart for different people with you...so that you'd join me in earnest prayer...so that together we could watch God move, act, and give Him the glory when He does.
But it just isn't possible.
Instead, I'm going to have to settle for ambiguously sharing just a hint of what God is doing...and hope that somehow you can see Him at work behind the words...

He making me so aware of the brevity of life...and the eternal implications of the choices that I make. I know where I want to be...I know who I want to be...but it doesn't just happen. Who I am and who I will become is determined in little decisions...on a Saturday morning...in the midst of a conversation. Keeping Christ at the center, determining to make Him my all--it's a choice. And being AROUND the Word is not enough. There's no substitute for being IN it...seeing it as my source of strength and life.

He's giving me a glimpse of His heart for people...and breaking my heart with His. He's allowing me to experience just a hint of the portion of the pain He feels when His children sin and when they choose to live for the moment, rather than for Him. Every morning He reminds me of people. People He loves infinitely more than I do. People that are deceived...people that are enslaved. Every morning their faces bring me to tears...how much more must God's heart ache and yearn for their restoration? I cannot imagine...but I pray in faith that they'll return to the King. That they'll trade their chains for freedom, their burdens for peace, and that they'll step off the throne of their heart and allow Christ to rule.

He's showing me that He makes beauty from ashes...and that though Satan desires to kill and destroy, when your life is surrendered to God...there's nothing that can destroy you. In fact, God works in such extraordinary ways, that He uses what seems completely and utterly devastating to bring glory to Him.

He's reminding me that his plans are perfect...and good. Always. I might question, misunderstand, or misinterpret them...but God's way is always the BEST way for me. Not the most comfortable, not the easiest, not the most pleasurable...but it achieves for me something far greater. In his plan, I come to know the joy of obedience...the comfort of the cross...and a love that is and always will be unparalleled.

More than anything...He showing me more of Him. It's not because I'm here in Portugal. That has nothing to do with it. It's because I'm in His Word...it's because I'm asking Him to change me from the inside out...begging Him to make me look more like Him and less like me...pleading with Him to keep me from being satisfied with mediocre Christianity.

I know I have so much to learn...and I know so much more of me needs to change. I don't know how many days are left in my life...but I know I want to be found faithful. And I know I want to finish the course Christ has marked out for me...whatever it is and wherever it leads.

Quotable Quotes...

Just thought I'd share a few things that made me laugh this week.

5th/6th Boy: "I'm never getting married."
"Oh, really? Why?" I asked.
"Because... I want a motorcycle. Girls always make the guy sell the motorcycle. Especially Christian ones."


Upon explaining to someone in the States (who will remain nameless) that I saw Roman ruins that were from the time of Christ....
"Wow....so, was Jesus in Portugal?"



Trying to introduce a play from our reading book about men who try selfishly to win the heart of a princess, I asked a simple question...expecting a typical response. I asked what they would do to try to win the love of this princess.
This was the response from a 5th/6th grade boy that blew me away...clearly some thought was put into this.
"I'd buy her a dozen beautiful red roses...and put in one fake one that looked real. I'd tell the princess that I'd love her as long as the roses would live...she'd be surprised, because she knows the flowers will wilt...but then, after every other flower died...she'd realize, one flower would never die. Just like my love."

These are just a few of many things that crack me up on a daily basis. :)

A few other highlights from the week include...

Driving successfully (minus the moment I almost crashed into an oncoming car) to a house that I've only been to once (which, if you really know me, you'd know that means I had no idea where it was...it takes a solid 10-12 times before I'll remember where to go).

Sharing the 1st birthday of an adorable little girl with her family...and watching her siblings get more excited over her presents than she was.

Hanging out with the teens from the school at the social. It was fun to get to know more of them...watch them organize and run games...and hear one of them attempting to lead the games turn to his teacher and say, "Wow, I'm sorry. I now know what it feels like to be you. I feel your pain."

Listening to a few of my students voluntarily share their testimonies one day after Bible class... pretty cool to hear their stories of coming to know Christ. Then a student commented, "It's good to be talking about this...maybe someone in this class still isn't saved." After which... more students felt compelled to share their stories. :)