"Sin is crouching at your door, and its desire is for you. But you must master it."
What gripping words. If only he had listened. If only he had mastered. If only...
A murder would have been prevented.
A family could have stayed together.
A life would have been changed...
But he opened the door...he invited sin in...and the rest, well, the rest is history.
I was teaching through the life of Cain to my class...and I couldn't help but wonder, how many times have those words been whispered to my heart?
Right before I came to Portugal, I read an interesting article. The article was dealing with sexual purity, but I think the principles are true of any sin.
The challenge in the article was to sit down and list all the results and effects your moral failure would have in your life, the lives of your family members, and your ministry. Specific things...and to keep that list with you.
I just wonder if Cain could have seen down the road...if he would have known the misery of a life imprisoned to the consequences of his sin...would he have done it?
I think that's one of the greatest challenges of the Christian life...to not just think in the moment. It's easy to think about now. What feels good, or what would make me happy, or even just what I want. It's difficult to constantly think eternally...To continually analyze if this decision achieves for me who I want to be or what I want in light of eternity. By opening the door to this, what are the natural consequences? What are the eternal implications...for me and for others?
As I was reading the verse out loud to my students...I couldn't help but think about my life. Sin is crouching...Sin is knocking...and its desire is to have me.
And I MUST MUST MUST
master it...
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Just call me "Gretel"
There are a lot of things about moving to a different country that would intimidate just about anyone. New language, new culture, new smells, new foods, new environment...these are just a few. So far, none of these things have frustrated me. Ok, so I did almost start dry-heaving at the smell of fish in the store...but I think I have an exceptionally strong dislike to the odor of fish.
For me, the most intimidating thing about living here has been driving. Just to clarify, I don't consider myself to be an outstanding driver in the States either. To further compound my problem, I don't have any concept of a sense of direction. No matter how many times someone explains it, north always seems to be directly in front of me and south will always feel directly behind me. (I know, I know...it makes no logical sense...I completely agree...it just doesn't change the fact that I can't EVER sense which way I am heading).
I definitely am accustomed to being lost...in fact, I've been known to spend one hour trying to find Starbucks in downtown Des Moines...only to turn around and go to the Starbucks across the street from my condo. Another time I ended up an hour into a trip to Kansas City while trying to get to Johnston for a required concert in college. I really wish I could say I was kidding...but it's true. To my credit...I always realize I am lost...I just don't know how to get found. :)
This being said...perhaps you will comprehend WHY this is so intimidating to me and why I have such extreme trepidation and fear. I think some of it is justified. My greatest fear is that I will get in my car, go somewhere, and never find my way back home. I think it was the story of Hansel and Gretel that first made me realize that this could actually be a real possibility. In fact, one time at a camp I really did get lost in the woods...and I remember thinking my worst nightmare had come true. Who tells kids stories like that, anyways?
Anyways..this past Sunday I hit my breaking point. It's been almost a month and I haven't driven anywhere by myself other than school or Continente (the Portuguese version of Walmart). So, I grabbed my Garmin and sat on the edge of my bed for about fifteen minutes debating whether or not it was worth the risk to just go by myself somewhere...or go insane. I opted to risk life and death (ok, I know I am exaggerating) rather than feel continually dependent on others.
I got in my car with my Garmin (whom I feel perhaps is my soul-mate...if such things even exist), and I headed to a mall. Half of the trip is a familiar one because it is the same route we go to church...it was the second half that about pushed me over the edge.
While I love my Garmin, I have also recognized a few design flaws.
For one...it doesn't exactly help a person who is not only directionally challenged but is also spatially challenged. For example, multiple times I tried to interpret the purple trail on the Garmin and determine exactly where I was supposed to turn...multiple times I interpreted incorrectly.
Secondly, the Garmin just tells you the way to go...it doesn't interpret signage and traffic...this is a problem when you don't understand the signage or the traffic.
I realized very quickly that I should have reviewed the signs before I left. I couldn't tell if one sign meant "one-way only" or if it meant "no parking". I finally realized that all the parked cars on both sides of the road were facing me...and that I had "chosen the forbidden way." (That's for you, Joyce.)
My poor Garmin worked hard...I stopped counting how many times I heard "Recalculating." BUT...I did finally get there...and when I got there...I was so exhausted that I went in and sat down for a while to calm down.
You don't realize how many mindless things you do when you are in familiar terrority...until you can do nothing "mindlessly." I don't think I'll ever take for granted being able to get in the car and just drive somewhere without thinking about anything. I'm not sure I'll ever get there in these two years...My guess is that just the time I get it...I'll be boarding the plane to come home. :)
For me, the most intimidating thing about living here has been driving. Just to clarify, I don't consider myself to be an outstanding driver in the States either. To further compound my problem, I don't have any concept of a sense of direction. No matter how many times someone explains it, north always seems to be directly in front of me and south will always feel directly behind me. (I know, I know...it makes no logical sense...I completely agree...it just doesn't change the fact that I can't EVER sense which way I am heading).
I definitely am accustomed to being lost...in fact, I've been known to spend one hour trying to find Starbucks in downtown Des Moines...only to turn around and go to the Starbucks across the street from my condo. Another time I ended up an hour into a trip to Kansas City while trying to get to Johnston for a required concert in college. I really wish I could say I was kidding...but it's true. To my credit...I always realize I am lost...I just don't know how to get found. :)
This being said...perhaps you will comprehend WHY this is so intimidating to me and why I have such extreme trepidation and fear. I think some of it is justified. My greatest fear is that I will get in my car, go somewhere, and never find my way back home. I think it was the story of Hansel and Gretel that first made me realize that this could actually be a real possibility. In fact, one time at a camp I really did get lost in the woods...and I remember thinking my worst nightmare had come true. Who tells kids stories like that, anyways?
Anyways..this past Sunday I hit my breaking point. It's been almost a month and I haven't driven anywhere by myself other than school or Continente (the Portuguese version of Walmart). So, I grabbed my Garmin and sat on the edge of my bed for about fifteen minutes debating whether or not it was worth the risk to just go by myself somewhere...or go insane. I opted to risk life and death (ok, I know I am exaggerating) rather than feel continually dependent on others.
I got in my car with my Garmin (whom I feel perhaps is my soul-mate...if such things even exist), and I headed to a mall. Half of the trip is a familiar one because it is the same route we go to church...it was the second half that about pushed me over the edge.
While I love my Garmin, I have also recognized a few design flaws.
For one...it doesn't exactly help a person who is not only directionally challenged but is also spatially challenged. For example, multiple times I tried to interpret the purple trail on the Garmin and determine exactly where I was supposed to turn...multiple times I interpreted incorrectly.
Secondly, the Garmin just tells you the way to go...it doesn't interpret signage and traffic...this is a problem when you don't understand the signage or the traffic.
I realized very quickly that I should have reviewed the signs before I left. I couldn't tell if one sign meant "one-way only" or if it meant "no parking". I finally realized that all the parked cars on both sides of the road were facing me...and that I had "chosen the forbidden way." (That's for you, Joyce.)
My poor Garmin worked hard...I stopped counting how many times I heard "Recalculating." BUT...I did finally get there...and when I got there...I was so exhausted that I went in and sat down for a while to calm down.
You don't realize how many mindless things you do when you are in familiar terrority...until you can do nothing "mindlessly." I don't think I'll ever take for granted being able to get in the car and just drive somewhere without thinking about anything. I'm not sure I'll ever get there in these two years...My guess is that just the time I get it...I'll be boarding the plane to come home. :)
Sunday, September 19, 2010
I wish there was a way to do it. To extract it. To destroy it. To run as far away from it as possible. But it's there...deep, deep within me. I hate it. It deceives. It robs. It hurts.
It constantly tries. It continually reminds. It carefully calculates. Sometimes I feel as if I may have won...but a thought arises...and there I am...face to face with it. Reminded again of its presence.
I don't have to look far to see the evidence. Its presence has forever etched scars in my heart. Scars that remind me of my failures and entice me to stop trying...scars that remind me of hopes that were crushed and whisper to me the misery of living for Another...scars that still ache with deep pain and no promise of healing. All results of it...
Indwelling sin.
Indwelling sin that calls and cries for a home in my heart.
It screams to me that God's love is not enough.
It whispers to me the misery of being ruled by my Creator.
It reminds me of things that I have surrendered...and beckons me to take them off the altar and back into my control.
But what it continually forgets is the Presence of Another. One that controls the wind and the waves. One that creates and completes. One that satisfies and strengthens. One that was, and is, and will be....forever.
It forgets that Christ's blood has purchased and pardoned...that Christ's death paid the penalty for my past, my present, and my future...and that my battered and bruised heart is held in the nail-scarred hands of One who bled on my behalf.
So it can keep crying...but I'm calling out to the One who's conquered.
It can keep trying...but I'm clinging to the One who suffered for me.
Go ahead..Keep reminding me of all that I do not have, all that I could have if I'd just give up...
But you'll find me here. Resting in the arms of the One who's love knows no limits... sheltered beneath the shadow of the Almighty...and forever standing in the victory that is mine because of Christ.
It constantly tries. It continually reminds. It carefully calculates. Sometimes I feel as if I may have won...but a thought arises...and there I am...face to face with it. Reminded again of its presence.
I don't have to look far to see the evidence. Its presence has forever etched scars in my heart. Scars that remind me of my failures and entice me to stop trying...scars that remind me of hopes that were crushed and whisper to me the misery of living for Another...scars that still ache with deep pain and no promise of healing. All results of it...
Indwelling sin.
Indwelling sin that calls and cries for a home in my heart.
It screams to me that God's love is not enough.
It whispers to me the misery of being ruled by my Creator.
It reminds me of things that I have surrendered...and beckons me to take them off the altar and back into my control.
But what it continually forgets is the Presence of Another. One that controls the wind and the waves. One that creates and completes. One that satisfies and strengthens. One that was, and is, and will be....forever.
It forgets that Christ's blood has purchased and pardoned...that Christ's death paid the penalty for my past, my present, and my future...and that my battered and bruised heart is held in the nail-scarred hands of One who bled on my behalf.
So it can keep crying...but I'm calling out to the One who's conquered.
It can keep trying...but I'm clinging to the One who suffered for me.
Go ahead..Keep reminding me of all that I do not have, all that I could have if I'd just give up...
But you'll find me here. Resting in the arms of the One who's love knows no limits... sheltered beneath the shadow of the Almighty...and forever standing in the victory that is mine because of Christ.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
ABC's and 123's
Laura and I had our first Portuguese lesson. It was fun to finally be able to get started and to ask our teacher some things that have been confusing us.
We worked on two basic verbs...and numbers. I think it's so funny to go back to square one...learning sounds, the alphabet, numbers, everything from the beginning. You realize why kids sleep so much. It's such an overload of the brain... Trying to recall meanings, decode words, use contextual clues in order to assimilate a response, then trying to reproduce sounds that are unfamiliar to your tongue in order to give your response. This definitely gives me a great appreciation for the struggle that students go through when English isn't their primary language...or even a secondary language. I can't imagine how exhausted they must be after doing this for a solid day!
Laura and I are having fun with it though. We sat down tonight and watched some Portuguese news. It was quite hilarious to guess at what we think the news is broadcasting. We've decided...Portugal's health system is in a crisis, people need money and they don't know where it should come from, the unemployment rate is 10.9%, and that this is a direct result of socialism (ok, we added that last part). Whether or not any of these things were actually being broadcast...well, we're not too sure. :) But it was awfully fun guessing.
And when all else fails-- Sarah, Laura, and I have decided to create a few of our own Portuguese words. Tem rhuberbo? :)
So just to give you a picture of what I am pretty sure I sound like learning Portuguese, I thought I'd post this. I'll let you guess which character I tend to be. :)
We worked on two basic verbs...and numbers. I think it's so funny to go back to square one...learning sounds, the alphabet, numbers, everything from the beginning. You realize why kids sleep so much. It's such an overload of the brain... Trying to recall meanings, decode words, use contextual clues in order to assimilate a response, then trying to reproduce sounds that are unfamiliar to your tongue in order to give your response. This definitely gives me a great appreciation for the struggle that students go through when English isn't their primary language...or even a secondary language. I can't imagine how exhausted they must be after doing this for a solid day!
Laura and I are having fun with it though. We sat down tonight and watched some Portuguese news. It was quite hilarious to guess at what we think the news is broadcasting. We've decided...Portugal's health system is in a crisis, people need money and they don't know where it should come from, the unemployment rate is 10.9%, and that this is a direct result of socialism (ok, we added that last part). Whether or not any of these things were actually being broadcast...well, we're not too sure. :) But it was awfully fun guessing.
And when all else fails-- Sarah, Laura, and I have decided to create a few of our own Portuguese words. Tem rhuberbo? :)
So just to give you a picture of what I am pretty sure I sound like learning Portuguese, I thought I'd post this. I'll let you guess which character I tend to be. :)
Monday, September 13, 2010
Are we sure this gift is dead?
:)
Now, I hope you genuinely know that what I am about to say is completely and totally intended to be sarcastic...but are we seriously certain that speaking in tongues is dead?
Let me explain. It has been completely and utterly mind boggling to me...somehow, in the midst of a church service that is in Portuguese, the Lord allows me to completely understand the parts of the message that are exactly what I need to hear. This past Sunday was no exception...in fact, something the Lord was convicting me on ended up being a major point in the service. Even though I didn't understand the entire message, somehow, that section of the sermon was crystal clear to me. I sat there, chuckling to myself saying, "Yes, Lord...you would allow me to understand this part of the message in its entirety. I get it, Lord....I get it."
"Commitment to Christ means being committed to people. Loving Christ means you must love people."
All people. The ones that frustrate...the ones that irritate...the ones that aggravate...
It doesn't really matter where I've been...this has been the consistent life lesson that God continues to hammer into my heart.
"Love people, Erin...because I love people. Love the people that hurt you, because I love them. Love the people that use you, because I love them. Love the people that disappoint you, because I love them. Love the people that are hard to love, because I love them. Love people...not because you'll receive anything in return...but simply because you love Me, and I love them. Love, Erin...love."
And in God's sovereignty...guess what verses we are memorizing in 5th/6th grade Bible?
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs."
My love is lacking. I don't see people. I see flaws. I see pet peeves. I see inconveniences. I see...me. What I would rather do...where I would rather be...what I would rather enjoy.
But following Christ means being committed to people. It means loving them. It means daily moments of dying to me, Erin Wahlstrom, and living for Jesus Christ. Sometimes I think of Christ's love like mine...I imagine him sighing when he sees Peter start to open his big mouth...or secretly rolling his eyes to John when Thomas questions him yet again...or even shooting Judas some dirty looks from across the table. I'll never comprehend the perfect love that Christ has for people. To see us in our sinful humanity...and yet love us despite all our faults. He doesn't merely "put up" with people. He truly, genuinely loves them.
I know me...and I know that if Christ can truly, genuinely love me--with my ridiculous flaws, my continual failures, and my sinful heart...then I can deny love to no one.
So here's my heart...
committed to following Christ...
committed to loving people.
Now, I hope you genuinely know that what I am about to say is completely and totally intended to be sarcastic...but are we seriously certain that speaking in tongues is dead?
Let me explain. It has been completely and utterly mind boggling to me...somehow, in the midst of a church service that is in Portuguese, the Lord allows me to completely understand the parts of the message that are exactly what I need to hear. This past Sunday was no exception...in fact, something the Lord was convicting me on ended up being a major point in the service. Even though I didn't understand the entire message, somehow, that section of the sermon was crystal clear to me. I sat there, chuckling to myself saying, "Yes, Lord...you would allow me to understand this part of the message in its entirety. I get it, Lord....I get it."
"Commitment to Christ means being committed to people. Loving Christ means you must love people."
All people. The ones that frustrate...the ones that irritate...the ones that aggravate...
It doesn't really matter where I've been...this has been the consistent life lesson that God continues to hammer into my heart.
"Love people, Erin...because I love people. Love the people that hurt you, because I love them. Love the people that use you, because I love them. Love the people that disappoint you, because I love them. Love the people that are hard to love, because I love them. Love people...not because you'll receive anything in return...but simply because you love Me, and I love them. Love, Erin...love."
And in God's sovereignty...guess what verses we are memorizing in 5th/6th grade Bible?
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs."
My love is lacking. I don't see people. I see flaws. I see pet peeves. I see inconveniences. I see...me. What I would rather do...where I would rather be...what I would rather enjoy.
But following Christ means being committed to people. It means loving them. It means daily moments of dying to me, Erin Wahlstrom, and living for Jesus Christ. Sometimes I think of Christ's love like mine...I imagine him sighing when he sees Peter start to open his big mouth...or secretly rolling his eyes to John when Thomas questions him yet again...or even shooting Judas some dirty looks from across the table. I'll never comprehend the perfect love that Christ has for people. To see us in our sinful humanity...and yet love us despite all our faults. He doesn't merely "put up" with people. He truly, genuinely loves them.
I know me...and I know that if Christ can truly, genuinely love me--with my ridiculous flaws, my continual failures, and my sinful heart...then I can deny love to no one.
So here's my heart...
committed to following Christ...
committed to loving people.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Remembering to run...
There are a lot of days in my life that I'd like to forget. September 11, 2001 is not one of them.
It was incredibly sad to me last year as I discussed 9/11 with my class. I realized that they were the last class of fifth and sixth graders that would even have a vague memory of that day. Their memories were so different than mine...while I personally felt the grief of watching our country attacked...they remembered something altogether different. They remembered the grief of their parents...the fear of watching their mom or dad's shock, the confusion of not understanding why mom was for the first time glued to the television.
I have so many memories of that day, but my memories are not important. It's the memories of the ones who willingly entered their graves to save others that are important...or the ones who boarded a plane for a vacation only to end up sacrificing their lives for the untold thousands that could have died if things would have gone as planned...
I found this video a while ago...to me, what was so impacting was understanding that this was preached to a congregation in New York right after 9/11. I'm grateful for the sacrifices that were made in the moment...and I want to continually remember to be one of the ones running into destruction...desperate to save those that are on their way to Hell.
Run...
It was incredibly sad to me last year as I discussed 9/11 with my class. I realized that they were the last class of fifth and sixth graders that would even have a vague memory of that day. Their memories were so different than mine...while I personally felt the grief of watching our country attacked...they remembered something altogether different. They remembered the grief of their parents...the fear of watching their mom or dad's shock, the confusion of not understanding why mom was for the first time glued to the television.
I have so many memories of that day, but my memories are not important. It's the memories of the ones who willingly entered their graves to save others that are important...or the ones who boarded a plane for a vacation only to end up sacrificing their lives for the untold thousands that could have died if things would have gone as planned...
I found this video a while ago...to me, what was so impacting was understanding that this was preached to a congregation in New York right after 9/11. I'm grateful for the sacrifices that were made in the moment...and I want to continually remember to be one of the ones running into destruction...desperate to save those that are on their way to Hell.
Run...
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
potluck thoughts...
I've absolutely LOVED these first three days of school. It feels so good to finally be back in the classroom, back into a routine, and doing exactly what I am called to do. I am so humbled with the privilege of working with my students and their families. I have been praying for each one of them by name since the beginning of this summer, so it is so exciting to finally be with them.
I love being here at GLCA. God so perfectly knows what we need at each stage of our lives...and for me, He knew that for right now, this is the perfect fit. I wake up every morning (all three of them so far) excited to be with my students, excited to work with them, and excited for what God wants to do in and through them. I can't wait for our girls high school Bible study to start. I haven't met a ton of the girls, so I am excited to get to know them as well.
I'm thrilled to be starting language lessons soon. It's so hard to want so desperately to talk with someone at church or at the cafe and be so limited with language. One of my goals in coming to Portugal was to be intentional. I decided I wanted to purpose to go to the same places frequently to build relationships with the Portuguese people. I am hoping and praying that as I pick up more language, eventually these relationships will be able to be directed towards spiritual things. I know I have high expectations of myself. I've only been here two weeks, and I am already irritated with myself because I don't know more...I have to keep reminding myself..."in time, in time."
It's hard not to think of the future here as well. I already find myself thinking, "How am I going to walk away from this in two years?" or "God, you wouldn't lead me here for two years and then move me someplace else, would you?" Oh the ponderings of the perpetual planner...always looking ahead to what is next. And while that characteristic is a strength in teaching...it's my greatest weakness in life. So...I'm attempting to consistently remind myself to live in the moment, to walk in the light God has given me, and to TRUST that as He led me here...He will again lead me to the next step...whether or not that is on the cobblestones of Portugal or the paved sidewalks of America ("or Africa or Asia...the choice is up to you!" sorry...just came to me), I don't know. But that's ok...I don't need to.
I think I've just been shocked...I see all these desires, interests, and passions that I have had since what feels like forever. I've never really known how all those things fit together or why God made me this way to begin with...but everyday I see more and more of how those fit together in the puzzle that is my life. And while it is incredibly exciting...it's...well...it's weird. To think that God made me like this, and I am 26 and just now understanding perhaps a HINT of why He put those things within me. I am not saying I am anywhere CLOSE to having it all figured out yet...nowhere near at all. It's just been neat to see some of these things, these pieces of my heart, start to fit together. And for the pieces that I don't understand, He already knows exactly how and where they fit. And maybe, just maybe...when I'm 79...I'll know just what I'm doing with my life. :)
I love being here at GLCA. God so perfectly knows what we need at each stage of our lives...and for me, He knew that for right now, this is the perfect fit. I wake up every morning (all three of them so far) excited to be with my students, excited to work with them, and excited for what God wants to do in and through them. I can't wait for our girls high school Bible study to start. I haven't met a ton of the girls, so I am excited to get to know them as well.
I'm thrilled to be starting language lessons soon. It's so hard to want so desperately to talk with someone at church or at the cafe and be so limited with language. One of my goals in coming to Portugal was to be intentional. I decided I wanted to purpose to go to the same places frequently to build relationships with the Portuguese people. I am hoping and praying that as I pick up more language, eventually these relationships will be able to be directed towards spiritual things. I know I have high expectations of myself. I've only been here two weeks, and I am already irritated with myself because I don't know more...I have to keep reminding myself..."in time, in time."
It's hard not to think of the future here as well. I already find myself thinking, "How am I going to walk away from this in two years?" or "God, you wouldn't lead me here for two years and then move me someplace else, would you?" Oh the ponderings of the perpetual planner...always looking ahead to what is next. And while that characteristic is a strength in teaching...it's my greatest weakness in life. So...I'm attempting to consistently remind myself to live in the moment, to walk in the light God has given me, and to TRUST that as He led me here...He will again lead me to the next step...whether or not that is on the cobblestones of Portugal or the paved sidewalks of America ("or Africa or Asia...the choice is up to you!" sorry...just came to me), I don't know. But that's ok...I don't need to.
I think I've just been shocked...I see all these desires, interests, and passions that I have had since what feels like forever. I've never really known how all those things fit together or why God made me this way to begin with...but everyday I see more and more of how those fit together in the puzzle that is my life. And while it is incredibly exciting...it's...well...it's weird. To think that God made me like this, and I am 26 and just now understanding perhaps a HINT of why He put those things within me. I am not saying I am anywhere CLOSE to having it all figured out yet...nowhere near at all. It's just been neat to see some of these things, these pieces of my heart, start to fit together. And for the pieces that I don't understand, He already knows exactly how and where they fit. And maybe, just maybe...when I'm 79...I'll know just what I'm doing with my life. :)
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