Are we sure this gift is dead?

:)
Now, I hope you genuinely know that what I am about to say is completely and totally intended to be sarcastic...but are we seriously certain that speaking in tongues is dead?
Let me explain. It has been completely and utterly mind boggling to me...somehow, in the midst of a church service that is in Portuguese, the Lord allows me to completely understand the parts of the message that are exactly what I need to hear. This past Sunday was no exception...in fact, something the Lord was convicting me on ended up being a major point in the service. Even though I didn't understand the entire message, somehow, that section of the sermon was crystal clear to me. I sat there, chuckling to myself saying, "Yes, Lord...you would allow me to understand this part of the message in its entirety. I get it, Lord....I get it."
"Commitment to Christ means being committed to people. Loving Christ means you must love people."
All people. The ones that frustrate...the ones that irritate...the ones that aggravate...
It doesn't really matter where I've been...this has been the consistent life lesson that God continues to hammer into my heart.
"Love people, Erin...because I love people. Love the people that hurt you, because I love them. Love the people that use you, because I love them. Love the people that disappoint you, because I love them. Love the people that are hard to love, because I love them. Love people...not because you'll receive anything in return...but simply because you love Me, and I love them. Love, Erin...love."
And in God's sovereignty...guess what verses we are memorizing in 5th/6th grade Bible?
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs."
My love is lacking. I don't see people. I see flaws. I see pet peeves. I see inconveniences. I see...me. What I would rather do...where I would rather be...what I would rather enjoy.
But following Christ means being committed to people. It means loving them. It means daily moments of dying to me, Erin Wahlstrom, and living for Jesus Christ. Sometimes I think of Christ's love like mine...I imagine him sighing when he sees Peter start to open his big mouth...or secretly rolling his eyes to John when Thomas questions him yet again...or even shooting Judas some dirty looks from across the table. I'll never comprehend the perfect love that Christ has for people. To see us in our sinful humanity...and yet love us despite all our faults. He doesn't merely "put up" with people. He truly, genuinely loves them.
I know me...and I know that if Christ can truly, genuinely love me--with my ridiculous flaws, my continual failures, and my sinful heart...then I can deny love to no one.
So here's my heart...
committed to following Christ...
committed to loving people.

Remembering to run...

There are a lot of days in my life that I'd like to forget. September 11, 2001 is not one of them.
It was incredibly sad to me last year as I discussed 9/11 with my class. I realized that they were the last class of fifth and sixth graders that would even have a vague memory of that day. Their memories were so different than mine...while I personally felt the grief of watching our country attacked...they remembered something altogether different. They remembered the grief of their parents...the fear of watching their mom or dad's shock, the confusion of not understanding why mom was for the first time glued to the television.
I have so many memories of that day, but my memories are not important. It's the memories of the ones who willingly entered their graves to save others that are important...or the ones who boarded a plane for a vacation only to end up sacrificing their lives for the untold thousands that could have died if things would have gone as planned...
I found this video a while ago...to me, what was so impacting was understanding that this was preached to a congregation in New York right after 9/11. I'm grateful for the sacrifices that were made in the moment...and I want to continually remember to be one of the ones running into destruction...desperate to save those that are on their way to Hell.
Run...

potluck thoughts...

I've absolutely LOVED these first three days of school. It feels so good to finally be back in the classroom, back into a routine, and doing exactly what I am called to do. I am so humbled with the privilege of working with my students and their families. I have been praying for each one of them by name since the beginning of this summer, so it is so exciting to finally be with them.

I love being here at GLCA. God so perfectly knows what we need at each stage of our lives...and for me, He knew that for right now, this is the perfect fit. I wake up every morning (all three of them so far) excited to be with my students, excited to work with them, and excited for what God wants to do in and through them. I can't wait for our girls high school Bible study to start. I haven't met a ton of the girls, so I am excited to get to know them as well.

I'm thrilled to be starting language lessons soon. It's so hard to want so desperately to talk with someone at church or at the cafe and be so limited with language. One of my goals in coming to Portugal was to be intentional. I decided I wanted to purpose to go to the same places frequently to build relationships with the Portuguese people. I am hoping and praying that as I pick up more language, eventually these relationships will be able to be directed towards spiritual things. I know I have high expectations of myself. I've only been here two weeks, and I am already irritated with myself because I don't know more...I have to keep reminding myself..."in time, in time."

It's hard not to think of the future here as well. I already find myself thinking, "How am I going to walk away from this in two years?" or "God, you wouldn't lead me here for two years and then move me someplace else, would you?" Oh the ponderings of the perpetual planner...always looking ahead to what is next. And while that characteristic is a strength in teaching...it's my greatest weakness in life. So...I'm attempting to consistently remind myself to live in the moment, to walk in the light God has given me, and to TRUST that as He led me here...He will again lead me to the next step...whether or not that is on the cobblestones of Portugal or the paved sidewalks of America ("or Africa or Asia...the choice is up to you!" sorry...just came to me), I don't know. But that's ok...I don't need to.

I think I've just been shocked...I see all these desires, interests, and passions that I have had since what feels like forever. I've never really known how all those things fit together or why God made me this way to begin with...but everyday I see more and more of how those fit together in the puzzle that is my life. And while it is incredibly exciting...it's...well...it's weird. To think that God made me like this, and I am 26 and just now understanding perhaps a HINT of why He put those things within me. I am not saying I am anywhere CLOSE to having it all figured out yet...nowhere near at all. It's just been neat to see some of these things, these pieces of my heart, start to fit together. And for the pieces that I don't understand, He already knows exactly how and where they fit. And maybe, just maybe...when I'm 79...I'll know just what I'm doing with my life. :)

better is one day...

"Among the gods there is none like you, O Lord; no deeds can compare with yours.
All the nations you have made will come and worship before you, O Lord; they will bring glory to your name. For you are great and do marvelous deeds; you alone are God. Teach me your way, O LORD,and I will walk in your truth; give me an undivided heart,that I may fear your name. I will praise you, O Lord my God, with all my heart; I will glorify your name forever. For great is your love toward me; you have delivered me from the depths of the grave." Psalm 86:8-13

I love finding a place to meet with God. I find that for me, it's absolutely necessary. A place to escape, to pour out my heart either on the pages of a journal, or just out loud. When I lived on my own, my place was my closet. Fortunately for me, those walls will never talk. At school, my place was the last pew in the auditorium. Last year I spent so many late evenings there in the darkness pouring out my heart. I love my places. For me, they are the places where God met me...where He broke my heart to the point of surrender...places where He comforted...places where He used His Word to convict.
I love my place here. I love how God knew I would need such a place...and in His perfect provision, He gave me one. I know this place will be dear to me. I know it will be in this place where He will again convict, again comfort, and again lead me to surrender when I attempt to cling to what is not mine.

I spent this afternoon in my place with my God. I guess I don't know how to describe the comfort in the familiarity of being with Him...even though nothing around me is familiar. I'm so thankful for a God not bound by place...who is willing and ready to meet with anyone seeking Him.

God continues to remind me that He wants more...more of my heart...more of my love. More. Until He has all. All my devotion. All my hope. All my passion. All of me. All.
It's such a process...I find that a conversation, a song, a fleeting thought-- all reveal little by little things that I am clinging to. Hopes that are in things rather than in Christ. Desires that are selfish. Plans that are for personal comfort, rather than for the glory of God. Little by little...He shows me who I am and who He wants me to be.

Today was no different. Another day of begging the Lord to be my passion, my joy, my love, my all. Another time where He showed me my hands that were grasping and clinging to something other than His. Another sweet moment of surrender...one that will be etched forever in my memory in my place.

Psalm 86 has been my cry today. Oh that my heart would be undivided...that with my whole heart I would glorify Him forever! What an incredible love...He not only saves me...He sanctifies me.

So how many girls does it take to lift a Honda Civic?

Apparently more than two.
This afternoon my roommates and I decided we'd venture out to Dolce Vita. Now, none of us knew exactly how to get there, but with the help of the Garmin (did I mention how much I love my Garmin?)...we thought we'd attempt it. Much to our surprise, we didn't have any trouble finding it.
As we pulled into the parking garage, I shut off the Garmin and we began looking for a parking spot. Now parking in Portugal is another great mystery to me. People park on sidewalks, they park behind other vehicles, and today I even saw this...

Dolce Vita, however, has an incredibly advanced parking system (as advanced as parking lots can get...I guess). They have lights in front of each space to show you if it is taken or open, color coded lots, and an ingenious numbering system.
I think we were already a little frazzled when we pulled into the lot because we missed the lot we were used to parking in...but as we wandered through trying to find a spot...traffic started to back up behind us. Finally, we located a free spot and began to pull in. The poor driver, who will remain nameless...but it wasn't me...:), started to pull in, but realized quickly that the cement wall was closer than it originally appeared. As an observer in the passenger seat, I calmly assessed the situation...small car, pulled sideways...cement corner...fairly close to car. The driver began to back in and out and attempt to put some distance between us and the cement. I didn't think things were quite as bad as they appeared...until I saw the driver stop driving, roll down the window, peer out....and begin to pray. It was in that moment that I remembered a previous trip to Portugal in which Ryan and Rob attempted and successfully lifted a vehicle. I popped out the passenger side, told the other passenger to get out...and explained that we would simply move the vehicle. Until now, I thought we were just coming close to hitting the cement...when I went over to the driver's side...I realized we were already touching the cement.
All those stories of a mother's adrenaline giving her the strength to lift a vehicle in order to save her child popped into my head...and I was convinced that in a massive feat of strength the two of us girls would be able to lift it and prevent the inevitable damage.
It was at this point that two Portuguese men walked by, turned around and began conversing about our predicament. For some reason, it never occurred to me to learn, "Excuse me sir, but we had some trouble parking and now our car is stuck against the corner of this cement column. Would you be willing to assist us as we attempt to lift our vehicle?" in Portuguese. (Which by the way, I will definitely include in the language book of useful phrases I WISH I would have known...along with "I'm probably really going to botch what I am about to try to say to you, but I really AM trying.")
As I watched our source of help walk away, I resolved that we'd do it without them. The two of us braced ourselves, envisioned kids underneath the vehicle (ok, maybe not the other girl...but I did), and mustered all the strength we had to lift the vehicle. I'm pretty sure it maybe moved a centimeter...ok, maybe a millimeter. Regardless, the driver attempted to pull forward and somehow, God enabled her to get the vehicle out without removing the rear driver's side door.
After we all calmed down...the three of us began laughing hysterically. My favorite quote from the driver as we were walking into the mall post hysterical laughter was, "I think I just lost a year of my life."
On a side note, I also learned today that yesterday I ordered a coffee and a gas pump. Oh what an adventure these two years are going to be! :)

I am truly enjoying my time in God's Word here. I am not sure why it seems so much sweeter...perhaps the prayers of people...maybe the knowledge that I won't necessarily understand the next sermon...I don't know...but I love it.
One thing that has just been literally jumping off the pages of Scripture to me is God's desires for me. It seems as if I cannot read a passage or open my Bible without the same message pounding my heart: God DESIRES to satisfy me. It isn't His desire that I hunger and thirst for fulfillment elsewhere...He offers it repeatedly throughout Scripture. I know this concept...but what has been newly refreshed in my mind is that He does satisfy...even when the things I think will fulfill me are removed, withheld, or stripped away. His Word says, "praise the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits--who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things." He takes my desires...and He satisfies them...with GOOD things. They might not be what I think I need to be fulfilled...but they will fulfill. I think what God has been impressing upon my heart is that when I am unfulfilled...or unsatisfied...it is of my own choosing. It is because I am not willing to bow my knee and submit to what God desires to give me to satisfy me. I think as I reflect on the past, I recognize that when I have been unsatisfied it is because I am unwilling to admit that what God gives me is sufficient. I refuse to recognize the grace He extends for the trial, or the peace He would provide if I would acknowledge Him. Rather I dwell on what I think I need to be content/satisfied/happy. Really, when I choose to live feeling unsatisfied, it is because I have rejected the fulfillment God offers. And if I am really honest, it's because I don't want Him to fulfill me His way. I want it my way.
One of the other teachers (Meredith) and I were discussing sheep today. She mentioned that a friend who worked with sheep once told her that sheep aren't really stupid. They're stubborn. When they get something in their head, even if it isn't safe or good for them...they continue to pursue it. Why? Because they want it.
God has just been reminding me to make sure I continue to make my "wants"(desires) align with His. I don't ever desire to live unfulfilled and unsatisfied again. I am so thankful God has shown and PROVED to me that He truly does satisfy. All this week I have just been in awe of the good things God has given that have satisfied me in ways I never thought possible. His Word reminds me over and over of His continual, faithful, and immense love for me. But what amazes me more than anything is that He would not only choose to send His precious, only Child to die in my place, but that He would also choose to allow me to live with fulfillment. He doesn't have to be so good to me. But He is.

Umm...I don't know... :)

I have a new appreciation for toddlers. I feel like right now, my understanding of the world around me, my language abilities, and my skills in a foreign country are putting me right around the mental age of about an 18 month old. I've realized for the first time today that I tend to respond like Evie (who far surpasses my abilities here) when I don't understand what's going on...blank stare in the eyes, big smile and..."Ummm...I don't know." Only in Portuguese. :)

A few of my blunders from the past two days...
Yesterday...
For some reason, I'm just going to chalk it up to my extreme lack of coordination, I cannot seem to use the shopping baskets here. In Portugal you have to put a token in to get a shopping cart because they are all locked. Rather than use a big shopping cart, I thought I'd use a shopping basket. They are MUCH bigger than ones in the States and they have a handle you can pull up and then wheel your basket around the store (kind of like rolling backpacks...which I always refused to get when my dad tried to insist multiple times that they were not "uncool"). Well, my basket started to get heavy with school things and big plastic organizing shelves,so I decided to start wheeling it around. Apparently, I cannot wheel and walk at the same time, because I kept tripping on the thing. Finally in the middle of the produce aisle the basket caught on my heel and as I lifted my leg to walk and attempted to turn the cart around the corner, the whole thing went flying across the floor. All my things fell out of cart and the plastic organizers alerted everyone to look in my direction with their hideously loud crash. Now, I am used to falling, tripping, and in general doing things that would embarrass the normal person...so normally this wouldn't bother me...but I already felt like people were staring at me oddly and then when I did this...I couldn't even look up. I just scrambled to pick things up and kept my head down. I'm sure the roots of my hair turned red. :)

Today...
I tried to pay four a half euros for three small pieces of bread. I know...it did sound like a ridiculous price...but 45 cents sounded too cheap and I knew I recognized a four and a five in what she said to me. So I stood there...like a kid at the checkout line hoping somehow the coins in my hand would magically equal the amount she was saying. I started pulling out every different quantity of coinage that I had while repeating the number she said out loud over and over...hoping somehow my brain would process what she had said. Finally I handed her five euros and asked her if it was enough. Her face was priceless. She looked at me...looked at my coins...and then back at me as if she was trying to determine if I was serious...or mentally challenged. Finally she slowly picked up the smallest coin I had and said, "Just this is enough." It was fifty cents. I felt about 2. Then she turns to me and says, "You don't speak Portuguese, do you?" in Portuguese. Sheepishly I shrugged and replied, "Nao." (no). At least maybe she had determined that it wasn't necessarily my mental abilities...just a language deficiency....and on the positive side, maybe my repeating and "Pigeon Portuguese" sounded like I knew what I was doing...maybe. ;)

I think it's a blast...blunders and all...to try to navigate, learn, and experience these things independently. There's nothing like people-watching (which I love anyways) for survival...trying to observe how they pay, when they pay, what others respond when they ask questions I don't understand, figuring out what is appropriate to do or not to do there, and just how other people interact. It's an adventure...and some days I am definitely more successful than others. Today just wasn't that day. :)