Overwhelmed

So it is officially six days until I board the plane to Portugal. I spent the morning packing and wondering how on earth I was going to fit everything into my bags. After a few hours of that, I decided to get away and do one of my favorite things for one of the last times: sit at my coffee shop and read God's Word and a missionary biography.
Before I sat down to read I shot an email to one of my roommates and before I closed my computer I decided to reminisce through some pictures of Portugal. And then...it hit me. Right in the middle of the coffee shop.
God's goodness...my desperate cries for direction for the past few years...strong desires...human obstacles...sitting on the beach in Portugal begging God to let me be there in a year...and everything He has done in the past year to answer that prayer.
I've never been so overwhelmed with God's leading in my life before. I can hardly comprehend why He'd allow this...of all the things I've prayed and asked Him for...but I am so grateful. Some days I've been afraid of leaving...worried about fitting in...thinking about the transition...leaving good friends behind...

But not today. Today...I can't fathom how God could be so GOOD to me. I have spent the past year watching him fulfill a desire He put in my heart when I was in high school. It has definitely not always been an easy road...and He had to do a lot of chipping away and refining of my heart to get me here...but I can't imagine doing any thing other than what I am doing right now.

And as I sit here crying into my keyboard and trying to avoid the odd looks I'm getting from the strangers around me...I recognize that this is what is to follow Jesus. The things I said I'd never do...I'll do them if He asks me to. The things I thought I always wanted for my life...I'll give them up if He asks me to. The people I think I need...I'll gladly leave them behind if He leads me on. Because when I follow Jesus...He not only satisfies my every longing...He OVERWHELMS my heart with his goodness.

So I'm going to savor these tears...and pray that somehow they bring honor to the King...that these tears would reflect a heart that is absolutely overwhelmed with love for Him.

It's 3 a.m. and I can't stop thinking...

Sleep is not coming very easily lately. Normally in the summer I do take full advantage of being a teacher and enjoy staying up later...but this is different. My mind is processing so many things...I find I lay in bed and wonder, "Where did I put that pair of pajama pants? Did I already put it in the space bag? Or is it somewhere else? Should I reopen the space bags again? Or just risk not having them?"
I've spent the past week packing. That's right. A week. I had no idea how difficult it would be! I have already packed and re-packed my bags four times...and I know it won't be the last.
I'm learning a lot about myself in this process.
1) I get overwhelmed in the midst of disorganization. Obviously I had to tear apart my closet and dressers to start packing...but about ten minutes into the process, all I could do was sit in the midst of my bedroom with my clothes all over the floor and my suitcase in front of me and stare. I finally realized I just have to deal with the mess until I leave. It isn't going to get any better until I'm heading out the door.
2) I have WAY too much stuff. 'Nough said.
3) I am an extreme person. Not like extreme sports..definitely not like that. More like...all or nothing. I either want to take everything...or a backpack. I was bordering on EVERYTHING thinking it'd be worth it to just know I have what I need...then I stumbled upon http://www.onebag.com/ ....and I seriously considered it... I need more balance. ;)
4) I really just want to pack people to take with me. Everytime I drive out to go get coffee with my friends...I realize how much it really hasn't hit me yet that I won't be able to just "get coffee" with them in 2 weeks. I know that I'll be fine...and yes, I will miss them...but I'll survive. I just have amazing friends...they've been there through disappointments, cried with me, laughed with me, but most of all...they know me. And I'm going to miss them more than I probably know.
All in all...I think it's those things, packing and leaving, that keep me awake at almost 3 a.m.
That...or maybe my Caramel Macchiato wasn't decaf after all.... :)

AMP Day 5...Finished. :)

I am so excited for what God is doing. It's been such a tremendous experience to get to see what God is doing...GLOBALLY.
I am so thankful for ABWE. The sessions they put on for us were so informative and helpful. Today we focused on "Transition Stress." I found it interesting that they said they most commonly see it hit in the second month. Guess I'm gonna need to watch out in October. :)
One of the things they really stressed to us was "being" not "doing." I can definitely see where I tend to "do" for God....and forget to simply "be" with Him. I am really going to try to carve out time before I leave to continue to memorize and just spend lengthy quality time in the Word. I am going to cultivate a plan for my Spiritual life. I want to have target dates for memorization, as well as certain days that, regardless of what is going on, I get away by myself to spend some time with God. I know myself...and I know that I need that often. One thing I really struggled with when I had roommates was concentrating when I was trying to pray and read. I would hear noises and wonder what was going on...or just be distracted in my heart. For me...I need to be away.
I know that might be hard to do...but I am going to have to purpose to get it done.
Nothing is more important than maintaining that relationship.

AMP Day 4

“I am not single because I am too spiritually unstable to possibly deserve a husband, not because I am too spiritually mature to possibly need one. I am single because God is so abundantly good to me, because this is his best for me. It is a cosmic impossibility that anything could be better for me right now than being single. The psalmists confirm that I should not want, I shall not want, because no good thing will God withhold from me.” Paige Benton

I love this quote. Today was a day literally FULL of meetings. We were given information on health, financial matters, personality profiles...you name it. The last session we had today was on moral purity. It was a phenomenal session. I think I was a little skeptical because I felt like it wouldn't be anything that I hadn't already heard a million times before. Pastor Berrus did a tremendous job. I literally was scrambling to keep up with my notes because everything he said I wanted to write down. He started off the session by stating, "Do you realize that you have the potential to do more damage to the cause of Christ than an unbeliever?" He did such a great job of putting practical application to his message as well. One thing he challenged us to do was to sit down and make a list of all the things that could possibly happen if we failed morally. One thing he and a friend did was to sit down a together to discuss and create a list of the things that would happen as a direct result of moral failure in their lives. They keep their list with them always. When they are tempted to even entertain these thoughts, they pull out their list.
He distributed a booklet for us to read through...and while I haven't had a chance to read it in its entirety, I stumbled upon the above quote. I think it is my new favorite. :) God has and continues to teach me so much about his grace in my life. I wholeheartedly agree...my current life is not God's plan B. Right now--THIS--is God's best for me. And even though it wasn't my plan A...it was God's perfect plan. And I love that.
A group of six of us single AMPers were talking about the much older veteran single missionaries that stayed down the hall from us...we talked about how funny it was to be getting ready next to a seventy-five year old woman in a college dorm...and watching them walk around in their housecoats. But then our conversation turned serious as we marveled at how they had all remained faithful to God and to their ministries. Our conversation reached a standstill when one girl said, "Wouldn't it be cool if that was us one day?" Tears welled up in my eyes, and just as I was about to wholeheartedly agree a girl quickly said, "Oh gosh...I certainly hope that's not me in forty years!"
It broke my heart. These women have literally left all....have served in the jungles of Peru and Africa...and STILL serve God faithfully to this day. To me, they are my heroes. If singleness is God's will for my life (and it obviously is right now)...I want nothing more than to follow in their footsteps.
My God has not withheld anything from me. And God forbid that I should ever entertain a thought otherwise.

AMP Day 3

It's an incredible thing to have the opportunity to meet people who have dedicated their lives to Christ...it's an even more amazing thing to hear the story of how God used them. I think one of my favorite parts of the Missionary Enrichment weekend has been watching the veteran missionaries receive honors for the years of their service. Each night they honor a few missionaries that have served 35, 40, some even 50 years. With each person they show a video clip of their life. I'm pretty sure I bawled at everyone of them. Seeing all that they though God's grace and strength accomplished is absolutely astounding...but what is more incredible is that these men and women are merely servants. They serve the same God I serve. Listening to them talk after the video clips, I was so impressed by the humility and utter desire that God receive the glory. I think what resonated deep within my heart was the strong desire to one day be able to stand at sixty or seventy or eighty and still be sold out and dedicated to STILL serving Christ.
Norma's story deeply touched me tonight. She and her husband were honored for their service...but what made Norma's unique was that her husband passed away a few months earlier. Dr. Loftis asked her if she had any words to share (as he did with every missionary receiving awards). Norma said something that struck me as very profound. As she talked about her love of her husband and how much she enjoyed serving with him, she shared that if it were her choice, rather than getting the reward, she would much rather just be with Jesus. Then she said, "You know...in the midst of the pain of losing my husband the Lord's peace overwhelmed my heart for I realize, 'to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord...yet it is better for you that I remain.' You see...if God wanted me home, I'd be there. So he must have a special ministry for me to carry on here without Norm. I'M EXCITED. And I can't wait to see what God is going to do with me when I grow up."
What a tremendous testimony of God's grace and faithfulness in her life! By all means it would appear as if her greatest and most productive years are over, and she is now faced with a life she never would have chosen. Yet she still is looking for the next way to serve God.
Oh that I could one day say at 70, "I can't wait to see what God has in store for my life."

AMP Day 2

I'm realizing that my sense of direction is not getting any better with age. I spent half an hour today trying to find my way back to my dorm room. It was literally only five minutes away from where I started. The whole time I was walking I kept thinking about Portugal. God has such a sense of humor...the more I look at me...my inadequacies...fears...failures...I am humbled that He'd ever use me.
As I walked past people I had in my hand all my ABWE information as well as my nametag hanging from my neck. I kept passing people...and I assumed that because no one said anything I was heading in the right direction (I know, I know...I should have just asked...but I really thought I'd figure it out sooner).
The further I got the more frustrated I became. Why didn't that man I just pass tell me I was heading to the street? My mind instantly recalled MY actions the previous day. I was standing outside a building, waiting for my luggage to arrive and I watched a woman head straight for the wrong door. I knew she was completely clueless, but she looked like she knew what she was doing and I didn't want to make her feel stupid or embarrassed by pointing out the fact that she was headed in the wrong direction. I decided to let her figure it out. So I watched her walk to the door, try the knob, and then stare at the building with a bewildered look on her face. When she turned around and asked, I pointed her in the right direction.
Why do we do that? Why do we see people...clearly heading in the wrong direction...and wait for them to ask us? Why do I wrestle with worry about "offending" someone...when the reality is that they are on their way to an eternity without Christ. They are the ultimate definition of the word lost! And I sometimes pretend not to see it...hoping that at some point, they'll figure out they are lost and ask me for directions.
I need to speak up. I may get lost everywhere on THIS earth...but I know my eternal destination...and I need to speak louder, warning others they are lost before it is too late.
These are just the thoughts that God impressed upon me today.

On another note...It's neat to see how God works. Earlier I blogged about a song that God used to communicate his love to me. My heart has just been wrestling with trusting God with what is to come (my two years in Portugal...and life after that) It was so neat. Tonight the musician's picked that song to sing for their special. I knew it was another reminder from God to me that He's the one I can cling to because He always is faithful. I love walking with such a patient and loving God. I would have left me long ago...

AMP Day 1

Wow...I don't even know where to begin. What a whirlwind of a day! I feel like I have met so many people...but I don't remember any of their names. :) I'm really bad with names...I need to work on that.
I'm not sure why...but I found myself to be awfully overwhelmed today. Everyone is here returning from serving on the field or just finishing up their furlough and heading back. I know I am not a big crowd type of person. Today confirmed it. I feel like I am the worst candidate to be a missionary. I'm pretty sure I should love it...and everybody else does (or at least appears to enjoy it). I would much rather prefer to just get to know one person REALLY well than meet 20 people and only learn the basic details of their life. I hate surface level relationships. I don't want to know just where these people have served...I want to know how they got there, if they ever regretted it, the most difficult thing they faced, if they've ever wished they'd done or gone someplace differently, what their greatest joy has been. It frustrates me to end a conversation and not get a true picture of that person.
Most of my conversations with people today were just that. And I know that it shouldn't...but it makes me feel empty. Like I was in a room with precious and rare jewels...but spent my time looking at cubic zirconium.
I did have one real conversation today. I don't remember his name (see, I am SOO bad with names!!!) but he serves in Papua New Guinea. Just that intrigued me because I had read two missionary biographies of people serving there. But I loved it because he allowed himself to be real with me. He has spent 15 years there with his wife. He told me the story of how the Lord led him into missions...and how he waited on the Lord to lead his wife into missions as well. THESE are the stories that fascinate me! I wish I had time to really get to know so many of these people, but I am so thankful that this man just shared his heart with me. I asked him the greatest part and hardest part of his last term. I don't know if I just didn't expect it...but it was so refreshing to see him completely share his heart for his ministry...and the pain of watching things go not as he had planned. He shared with me how he had spent three years training a replacement to take over his aviation ministry in the jungle. As he and his wife were preparing to leave for furlough...the replacement shared that he no longer wanted to take over his ministry. I watched his piercing blue eyes fill with tears as he said, "That plane is just sitting there. It shouldn't just be sitting there..." And then...he tearfully shared that this was the third replacement he'd trained that backed out...went back home...or chosen otherwise. "I don't know what God's plan is...I guess that's what we're praying God shows us now. I thought I knew...but maybe He has a different plan he's going to show us now."
I love that. I love it when people are REAL. Especially missionaries. SHARE what is hard. SHARE that you don't have it all figured out...because for years...I thought I had to in order to become one.