AMP Day 3

It's an incredible thing to have the opportunity to meet people who have dedicated their lives to Christ...it's an even more amazing thing to hear the story of how God used them. I think one of my favorite parts of the Missionary Enrichment weekend has been watching the veteran missionaries receive honors for the years of their service. Each night they honor a few missionaries that have served 35, 40, some even 50 years. With each person they show a video clip of their life. I'm pretty sure I bawled at everyone of them. Seeing all that they though God's grace and strength accomplished is absolutely astounding...but what is more incredible is that these men and women are merely servants. They serve the same God I serve. Listening to them talk after the video clips, I was so impressed by the humility and utter desire that God receive the glory. I think what resonated deep within my heart was the strong desire to one day be able to stand at sixty or seventy or eighty and still be sold out and dedicated to STILL serving Christ.
Norma's story deeply touched me tonight. She and her husband were honored for their service...but what made Norma's unique was that her husband passed away a few months earlier. Dr. Loftis asked her if she had any words to share (as he did with every missionary receiving awards). Norma said something that struck me as very profound. As she talked about her love of her husband and how much she enjoyed serving with him, she shared that if it were her choice, rather than getting the reward, she would much rather just be with Jesus. Then she said, "You know...in the midst of the pain of losing my husband the Lord's peace overwhelmed my heart for I realize, 'to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord...yet it is better for you that I remain.' You see...if God wanted me home, I'd be there. So he must have a special ministry for me to carry on here without Norm. I'M EXCITED. And I can't wait to see what God is going to do with me when I grow up."
What a tremendous testimony of God's grace and faithfulness in her life! By all means it would appear as if her greatest and most productive years are over, and she is now faced with a life she never would have chosen. Yet she still is looking for the next way to serve God.
Oh that I could one day say at 70, "I can't wait to see what God has in store for my life."

AMP Day 2

I'm realizing that my sense of direction is not getting any better with age. I spent half an hour today trying to find my way back to my dorm room. It was literally only five minutes away from where I started. The whole time I was walking I kept thinking about Portugal. God has such a sense of humor...the more I look at me...my inadequacies...fears...failures...I am humbled that He'd ever use me.
As I walked past people I had in my hand all my ABWE information as well as my nametag hanging from my neck. I kept passing people...and I assumed that because no one said anything I was heading in the right direction (I know, I know...I should have just asked...but I really thought I'd figure it out sooner).
The further I got the more frustrated I became. Why didn't that man I just pass tell me I was heading to the street? My mind instantly recalled MY actions the previous day. I was standing outside a building, waiting for my luggage to arrive and I watched a woman head straight for the wrong door. I knew she was completely clueless, but she looked like she knew what she was doing and I didn't want to make her feel stupid or embarrassed by pointing out the fact that she was headed in the wrong direction. I decided to let her figure it out. So I watched her walk to the door, try the knob, and then stare at the building with a bewildered look on her face. When she turned around and asked, I pointed her in the right direction.
Why do we do that? Why do we see people...clearly heading in the wrong direction...and wait for them to ask us? Why do I wrestle with worry about "offending" someone...when the reality is that they are on their way to an eternity without Christ. They are the ultimate definition of the word lost! And I sometimes pretend not to see it...hoping that at some point, they'll figure out they are lost and ask me for directions.
I need to speak up. I may get lost everywhere on THIS earth...but I know my eternal destination...and I need to speak louder, warning others they are lost before it is too late.
These are just the thoughts that God impressed upon me today.

On another note...It's neat to see how God works. Earlier I blogged about a song that God used to communicate his love to me. My heart has just been wrestling with trusting God with what is to come (my two years in Portugal...and life after that) It was so neat. Tonight the musician's picked that song to sing for their special. I knew it was another reminder from God to me that He's the one I can cling to because He always is faithful. I love walking with such a patient and loving God. I would have left me long ago...

AMP Day 1

Wow...I don't even know where to begin. What a whirlwind of a day! I feel like I have met so many people...but I don't remember any of their names. :) I'm really bad with names...I need to work on that.
I'm not sure why...but I found myself to be awfully overwhelmed today. Everyone is here returning from serving on the field or just finishing up their furlough and heading back. I know I am not a big crowd type of person. Today confirmed it. I feel like I am the worst candidate to be a missionary. I'm pretty sure I should love it...and everybody else does (or at least appears to enjoy it). I would much rather prefer to just get to know one person REALLY well than meet 20 people and only learn the basic details of their life. I hate surface level relationships. I don't want to know just where these people have served...I want to know how they got there, if they ever regretted it, the most difficult thing they faced, if they've ever wished they'd done or gone someplace differently, what their greatest joy has been. It frustrates me to end a conversation and not get a true picture of that person.
Most of my conversations with people today were just that. And I know that it shouldn't...but it makes me feel empty. Like I was in a room with precious and rare jewels...but spent my time looking at cubic zirconium.
I did have one real conversation today. I don't remember his name (see, I am SOO bad with names!!!) but he serves in Papua New Guinea. Just that intrigued me because I had read two missionary biographies of people serving there. But I loved it because he allowed himself to be real with me. He has spent 15 years there with his wife. He told me the story of how the Lord led him into missions...and how he waited on the Lord to lead his wife into missions as well. THESE are the stories that fascinate me! I wish I had time to really get to know so many of these people, but I am so thankful that this man just shared his heart with me. I asked him the greatest part and hardest part of his last term. I don't know if I just didn't expect it...but it was so refreshing to see him completely share his heart for his ministry...and the pain of watching things go not as he had planned. He shared with me how he had spent three years training a replacement to take over his aviation ministry in the jungle. As he and his wife were preparing to leave for furlough...the replacement shared that he no longer wanted to take over his ministry. I watched his piercing blue eyes fill with tears as he said, "That plane is just sitting there. It shouldn't just be sitting there..." And then...he tearfully shared that this was the third replacement he'd trained that backed out...went back home...or chosen otherwise. "I don't know what God's plan is...I guess that's what we're praying God shows us now. I thought I knew...but maybe He has a different plan he's going to show us now."
I love that. I love it when people are REAL. Especially missionaries. SHARE what is hard. SHARE that you don't have it all figured out...because for years...I thought I had to in order to become one.

Hmmm.....

I've had a lot of time to think today. Perhaps...too much. I've spent the day waiting. Literally that is all I have done. I realized...I think I have grown some in that area. As the flight attendant on my last flight announced that we would be stuck on the tarmac for "at best" an hour, I listened to the collective groans of the passengers. I think normally this would have frustrated me. I hate waiting...I really do. I am so impatient. But an odd thought occurred to me: I didn't mind waiting, because I didn't know what was in store for me when I got off the plane. I didn't know who was picking me up...where I would stay...what this conference would be like...if I would click with anyone and on, and on. I was just fine with sitting on the tarmac. It delayed having to face the uncertainty of what was ahead.
And it dawned on me that this really paralleled my life. I used to hate waiting because I only ever wanted to get to the "next" stage or place in my life. Now....
Well as I think about the uncertainty of my future...I don't really mind waiting. To be honest, I realized that part of me is really afraid of what's next. What if God leads me to full-time missions? What if he doesn't? and countless other questions that I'd prefer not to deal with.
So I'm just fine waiting...in fact, more than fine. At peace.
Even if it means being too close for comfort to the person in the tiny seat next to me. ;)

There are so many things that God has done on this journey to Portugal that have astounded me. Truly, I have no doubt in my mind that the Lord wants me there. And I have to say, this is really the most incredible experience of my life. I just want to share the coolest thing the Lord has done recently. To me...it was another reminder that this is exactly what God wants.
I sent my Visa application to the consulate back in May. I'll be the first to admit...I had been putting this off since January. I am horrible at filling out paperwork. In fact, my dad always gets frustrated because I always write things in the wrong blank or misunderstand what they are asking and ruin the paperwork. So when the process for my Visa started, I was overwhelmed. Further complicating my paperwork struggles was the fact that I was working with a foreign government and we could not understand each other very well. ("I SAID 'M' AS IN "MARY!!!"...."N?"...."NO, M!!!")
By the time I finally figured out everything and sent it all in, I began to feel short on time. With a plane ticket for Portugal in my hand, and my passport in Washington D.C., I began to pray that somehow everything would be in order and approved. Well, I kept waiting with no response and began to pray, "Ok, Lord, I really want this passport in my hand before I leave for ABWE on July 18." I am not sure why, other than the Spirit's prompting, but the date July 15 stuck out to me and I began to pray that my passport and visa would be in my hand by July 15.
Well, as we got closer and closer, I still was hearing nothing. My understanding of the process was that it costs around $200-300 and they call to tell you that you have been approved so you can send in your final payment. (I had already wired $109). Well, this week, I changed my prayers. Realizing that I hadn't heard anything, hadn't been asked for more money, I just prayed that God would allow them to call me by the 15th to tell me I was approved.
Yesterday was July 15. As I waited for my phone call, I continued to pray, "just let me hear I am approved, it doesn't have to be in my hand...though, I'd really like that...but at least let me hear I am approved." I never got a phone call. As I drove home from being away all day I just smiled to myself and thought, "Lord, you made everything with finances so easy...it's good for me to trust you with this Visa. I know perhaps you don't want me to have it by then because maybe I just need to be patient. It's good for me to have to rely on you."
I walked in my door and there, sitting on the table was a card for the UPS stating that it was at the post office and could be picked up on July 16. Let me tell you, I just stood there shaking. How could this be? I hadn't gotten a call! I hadn't sent in more money! What was happening?!
I remembered the prayers I had prayed so specifically and decided...I prayed the 15th. The card came in the mail the 15th. Even though it said I couldn't pick it up til the 16th I got in my car and drove there. God was going to answer, I firmly believed it. I would have that thing in my hands on the 15th.
As I explained things to the people at the post office, they said they'd try but couldn't promise anything. Sure enough...my packet was there.
Passport and Visa...both in my hands on the 15th. God had answered my prayers (and my friends prayers as well). He didn't have to do it on the 15th. He could have sent it earlier...he could have waited and required me to trust him more. But no...He sent it right on the 15th.
And you know what? When I prayed that, deep in my heart I thought, "Wouldn't it be cool if it came right on that day?"
I love that God hears the desires of our hearts that we don't even pray.
I don't know what lies ahead for me. It could be that my two years in Portugal will be extremely difficult. Regardless...God has shown me in yet another clear and specific way that Portugal is exactly where he wants me. There is no doubt in my mind.
I'm so grateful for a God who has taught, and is teaching me about the power of prayer. His faithfulness to me in spite of my sinfulness is astounding. What a privilege to follow such a good God!

So I guess I'll be weeding...

I'm not an outdoor person...at all. In fact, I think I am the least outdoorsy person I know. It's not that I don't think it's beautiful...I just don't like the reality that there are creatures and bugs that have unlimited access to me when I am outside.
I have, in spite of my dislike for the outdoors, recently been weeding. It all stemmed from my two weeks in Portugal. While I was there, we did some weeding for the school. I'm ashamed to say it, but besides participating in Work-a-thon for 11 years, it was my first real yard-work experience. While I think it is exhausting, I found it so convicting. Because of my inexperience, I often could not tell the difference between the real plants and the weeds. Both of them were beautiful. Both of them had flowers...and sometimes, the weed looked more like the desired plant. But the reality that I discovered in weeding, is that those weeds, though they were outwardly pretty, were sucking the life from all the plants around them.
As I began to see the difference between the desired plants and the weeds, I started to pull them up. As the rookie weed-puller that I was, I just started grabbing and pulling. Someone beside me explained that if I didn't get the root, it would come right back.
I started the painful process of trying to get to the root of the weeds. I was shocked to see how the weeds literally wrapped themselves all around the plants. They were so twisted and so intertwined that it was a painstaking process to undo them and then pull them up from the root. It was obvious that if something drastic did not occur, these weeds were going to destroy all the plants. They were choking life from them and usurping all the nutrients in the soil.
I couldn't help but think of my life. My sin is so much like those weeds. Often times it goes unnoticed and can even be masked as appearing "good." Good deeds done with wrong motives...or even spiteful actions masked behind circumstances. And what shocked me most of all was the correlation of getting to the root. It's such a process!! Learning to see deep into your heart and trying to root out and destroy the habits, attitudes, loves, and passions that don't please or glorify God is not easy...but if I don't get to the root...the same sins spring up. They might be in different places...but the root is the same.
A year has passed since God taught me that lesson. Ironically, today I did some more weeding. And yes, it was the first time I've done it since I was in Portugal. ;)
But again I learned so many lessons. The plot of land I needed to weed was filled with huge weeds reaching up to my knees, and then small weeds that were no larger than an inch. In my mind, the small ones were going to be easiest remove, and the large ones would take a huge amount of effort to root up. Ironically, the large weeds came up, root and all, with little effort. But I could not believe how hard it was to get to the root of some of the smallest weeds. Often times, the roots were much, much larger than the actual weed itself.
God reminded me of my own life. Big sins are sometimes easy to see and easy to deal with because they are so blatant. It's the little things that I let go unnoticed...thinking they will be easy to deal with or just not thinking that they are even a problem at all. How wrong I am! Gossip...Bitterness...Deceit... on the surface they don't always seem big...but the roots run so deep! It might be a comment here...or a thought there. Nothing huge, life-changing, or earth-shattering...but if left unchecked they will destroy the work that God wants to do. So they must be dealt with....and it's a long process. They'll keep resurfacing, but I must deal with them everytime and get to the root. I want my life to bear true fruit, so I've got to deal with the "weeds" daily.
I'm so thankful for a God that desires to change us to be more like Him, and I'm so thankful that God speaks to us everywhere...even in the midst of the weeds.

Another long winter...

Tonight my heart just feels heavy...
There are a myriad of reasons (none of which I can or will explain)...but it just feels as if I am in the midst of spiritual winter...everything is cold and dead.
I know the Lord has brought me through so many spiritual winters this year...
So many people, places, and things I loved have been stripped from my hands. Looking back I see those things as loving gifts, from a Father who knew that death must precede true life. Each and every hurtful thing over the course of the few years I can now see as for my good.
Yet...as I sit in another cold, lifeless, difficult and brutal winter I find myself questioning the purpose. I feel the unasked questions lurking in the hidden places of my heart. It feels as if winter is winning...and never again will I know the joy of life.
As I drove home tonight pondering all these frustrating and seemingly overwhelming things, I found a CD tucked away in a compartment of my car. I'd given it to my dad years ago...and as I put the disc in a familiar song began to play.

Faithful One
I find no hope within to call my own
For I am frail of heart, my strength is gone
But deep within my soul is rising up a song
Here in the comfort of the faithful one
I walk a narrow road through valleys deep
In search of higher ground, on mountains steep
And though with feet unsure, I still keep pressing on.
For I am guided by the faithful one.
Faithful, faithful to the end,
My true and precious friend,
You have been faithful,
Faithful, so faithful to me

I see your wounded hands, I touch your side
With thorns upon your brow you bled and died
But there’s an empty tomb, a love for all who come
And give their hearts to you, the faithful one.
Faithful, faithful to the end,
My true and precious friend,
You have been faithful,
Faithful, so faithful to me

And when the day is dawned and when the race is run
I will bow down before God’s only Son
And I will lift my hands in praise for all you’ve done
And I will worship you, my faithful one.


I'm not sure why...but for the first time God's faithfulness truly amazed me. I look at my circumstances and all I want to do is quit...just jump ship and hope to find some piece of the wreckage to cling to. Yet God sees what frustrates me...and everyone else...and He refuses to walk away.
I'm not sure why (no one taught me to think this way), but I guess I recognized for the first time how inaccurate my view of God really is. While I would NEVER have said God was "unfaithful"....somehow, I just pictured Him distancing himself from me when I sinned. Almost as if he were turning himself away from me and walking away...always ready if I repented...but not NEAR me until I did.
As I sat and listened to the words of the song, tears streamed from my eyes as I understood that my God is never walking away. And as I realized that in MY life...
God's presence overwhelmed my "winter."
Even though I can't change these circumstances right now...God's presence and faihfulness must be what I cling to through yet another spiritual death...
and maybe somehow, someday...I'll be able to see how God used this to me bring true life.
Regardless...I'm so thankful for my "faithful Friend."