I've had a lot of time to think today. Perhaps...too much. I've spent the day waiting. Literally that is all I have done. I realized...I think I have grown some in that area. As the flight attendant on my last flight announced that we would be stuck on the tarmac for "at best" an hour, I listened to the collective groans of the passengers. I think normally this would have frustrated me. I hate waiting...I really do. I am so impatient. But an odd thought occurred to me: I didn't mind waiting, because I didn't know what was in store for me when I got off the plane. I didn't know who was picking me up...where I would stay...what this conference would be like...if I would click with anyone and on, and on. I was just fine with sitting on the tarmac. It delayed having to face the uncertainty of what was ahead.
And it dawned on me that this really paralleled my life. I used to hate waiting because I only ever wanted to get to the "next" stage or place in my life. Now....
Well as I think about the uncertainty of my future...I don't really mind waiting. To be honest, I realized that part of me is really afraid of what's next. What if God leads me to full-time missions? What if he doesn't? and countless other questions that I'd prefer not to deal with.
So I'm just fine waiting...in fact, more than fine. At peace.
Even if it means being too close for comfort to the person in the tiny seat next to me. ;)
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Friday, July 16, 2010
There are so many things that God has done on this journey to Portugal that have astounded me. Truly, I have no doubt in my mind that the Lord wants me there. And I have to say, this is really the most incredible experience of my life. I just want to share the coolest thing the Lord has done recently. To me...it was another reminder that this is exactly what God wants.
I sent my Visa application to the consulate back in May. I'll be the first to admit...I had been putting this off since January. I am horrible at filling out paperwork. In fact, my dad always gets frustrated because I always write things in the wrong blank or misunderstand what they are asking and ruin the paperwork. So when the process for my Visa started, I was overwhelmed. Further complicating my paperwork struggles was the fact that I was working with a foreign government and we could not understand each other very well. ("I SAID 'M' AS IN "MARY!!!"...."N?"...."NO, M!!!")
By the time I finally figured out everything and sent it all in, I began to feel short on time. With a plane ticket for Portugal in my hand, and my passport in Washington D.C., I began to pray that somehow everything would be in order and approved. Well, I kept waiting with no response and began to pray, "Ok, Lord, I really want this passport in my hand before I leave for ABWE on July 18." I am not sure why, other than the Spirit's prompting, but the date July 15 stuck out to me and I began to pray that my passport and visa would be in my hand by July 15.
Well, as we got closer and closer, I still was hearing nothing. My understanding of the process was that it costs around $200-300 and they call to tell you that you have been approved so you can send in your final payment. (I had already wired $109). Well, this week, I changed my prayers. Realizing that I hadn't heard anything, hadn't been asked for more money, I just prayed that God would allow them to call me by the 15th to tell me I was approved.
Yesterday was July 15. As I waited for my phone call, I continued to pray, "just let me hear I am approved, it doesn't have to be in my hand...though, I'd really like that...but at least let me hear I am approved." I never got a phone call. As I drove home from being away all day I just smiled to myself and thought, "Lord, you made everything with finances so easy...it's good for me to trust you with this Visa. I know perhaps you don't want me to have it by then because maybe I just need to be patient. It's good for me to have to rely on you."
I walked in my door and there, sitting on the table was a card for the UPS stating that it was at the post office and could be picked up on July 16. Let me tell you, I just stood there shaking. How could this be? I hadn't gotten a call! I hadn't sent in more money! What was happening?!
I remembered the prayers I had prayed so specifically and decided...I prayed the 15th. The card came in the mail the 15th. Even though it said I couldn't pick it up til the 16th I got in my car and drove there. God was going to answer, I firmly believed it. I would have that thing in my hands on the 15th.
As I explained things to the people at the post office, they said they'd try but couldn't promise anything. Sure enough...my packet was there.
Passport and Visa...both in my hands on the 15th. God had answered my prayers (and my friends prayers as well). He didn't have to do it on the 15th. He could have sent it earlier...he could have waited and required me to trust him more. But no...He sent it right on the 15th.
And you know what? When I prayed that, deep in my heart I thought, "Wouldn't it be cool if it came right on that day?"
I love that God hears the desires of our hearts that we don't even pray.
I don't know what lies ahead for me. It could be that my two years in Portugal will be extremely difficult. Regardless...God has shown me in yet another clear and specific way that Portugal is exactly where he wants me. There is no doubt in my mind.
I'm so grateful for a God who has taught, and is teaching me about the power of prayer. His faithfulness to me in spite of my sinfulness is astounding. What a privilege to follow such a good God!
Friday, July 9, 2010
So I guess I'll be weeding...
I'm not an outdoor person...at all. In fact, I think I am the least outdoorsy person I know. It's not that I don't think it's beautiful...I just don't like the reality that there are creatures and bugs that have unlimited access to me when I am outside.
I have, in spite of my dislike for the outdoors, recently been weeding. It all stemmed from my two weeks in Portugal. While I was there, we did some weeding for the school. I'm ashamed to say it, but besides participating in Work-a-thon for 11 years, it was my first real yard-work experience. While I think it is exhausting, I found it so convicting. Because of my inexperience, I often could not tell the difference between the real plants and the weeds. Both of them were beautiful. Both of them had flowers...and sometimes, the weed looked more like the desired plant. But the reality that I discovered in weeding, is that those weeds, though they were outwardly pretty, were sucking the life from all the plants around them.
As I began to see the difference between the desired plants and the weeds, I started to pull them up. As the rookie weed-puller that I was, I just started grabbing and pulling. Someone beside me explained that if I didn't get the root, it would come right back.
I started the painful process of trying to get to the root of the weeds. I was shocked to see how the weeds literally wrapped themselves all around the plants. They were so twisted and so intertwined that it was a painstaking process to undo them and then pull them up from the root. It was obvious that if something drastic did not occur, these weeds were going to destroy all the plants. They were choking life from them and usurping all the nutrients in the soil.
I couldn't help but think of my life. My sin is so much like those weeds. Often times it goes unnoticed and can even be masked as appearing "good." Good deeds done with wrong motives...or even spiteful actions masked behind circumstances. And what shocked me most of all was the correlation of getting to the root. It's such a process!! Learning to see deep into your heart and trying to root out and destroy the habits, attitudes, loves, and passions that don't please or glorify God is not easy...but if I don't get to the root...the same sins spring up. They might be in different places...but the root is the same.
A year has passed since God taught me that lesson. Ironically, today I did some more weeding. And yes, it was the first time I've done it since I was in Portugal. ;)
But again I learned so many lessons. The plot of land I needed to weed was filled with huge weeds reaching up to my knees, and then small weeds that were no larger than an inch. In my mind, the small ones were going to be easiest remove, and the large ones would take a huge amount of effort to root up. Ironically, the large weeds came up, root and all, with little effort. But I could not believe how hard it was to get to the root of some of the smallest weeds. Often times, the roots were much, much larger than the actual weed itself.
God reminded me of my own life. Big sins are sometimes easy to see and easy to deal with because they are so blatant. It's the little things that I let go unnoticed...thinking they will be easy to deal with or just not thinking that they are even a problem at all. How wrong I am! Gossip...Bitterness...Deceit... on the surface they don't always seem big...but the roots run so deep! It might be a comment here...or a thought there. Nothing huge, life-changing, or earth-shattering...but if left unchecked they will destroy the work that God wants to do. So they must be dealt with....and it's a long process. They'll keep resurfacing, but I must deal with them everytime and get to the root. I want my life to bear true fruit, so I've got to deal with the "weeds" daily.
I'm so thankful for a God that desires to change us to be more like Him, and I'm so thankful that God speaks to us everywhere...even in the midst of the weeds.
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Another long winter...
Tonight my heart just feels heavy...
There are a myriad of reasons (none of which I can or will explain)...but it just feels as if I am in the midst of spiritual winter...everything is cold and dead.
I know the Lord has brought me through so many spiritual winters this year...
So many people, places, and things I loved have been stripped from my hands. Looking back I see those things as loving gifts, from a Father who knew that death must precede true life. Each and every hurtful thing over the course of the few years I can now see as for my good.
Yet...as I sit in another cold, lifeless, difficult and brutal winter I find myself questioning the purpose. I feel the unasked questions lurking in the hidden places of my heart. It feels as if winter is winning...and never again will I know the joy of life.
As I drove home tonight pondering all these frustrating and seemingly overwhelming things, I found a CD tucked away in a compartment of my car. I'd given it to my dad years ago...and as I put the disc in a familiar song began to play.
Faithful One
I find no hope within to call my own
For I am frail of heart, my strength is gone
But deep within my soul is rising up a song
Here in the comfort of the faithful one
I walk a narrow road through valleys deep
In search of higher ground, on mountains steep
And though with feet unsure, I still keep pressing on.
For I am guided by the faithful one.
Faithful, faithful to the end,
My true and precious friend,
You have been faithful,
Faithful, so faithful to me
I see your wounded hands, I touch your side
With thorns upon your brow you bled and died
But there’s an empty tomb, a love for all who come
And give their hearts to you, the faithful one.
Faithful, faithful to the end,
My true and precious friend,
You have been faithful,
Faithful, so faithful to me
And when the day is dawned and when the race is run
I will bow down before God’s only Son
And I will lift my hands in praise for all you’ve done
And I will worship you, my faithful one.
I'm not sure why...but for the first time God's faithfulness truly amazed me. I look at my circumstances and all I want to do is quit...just jump ship and hope to find some piece of the wreckage to cling to. Yet God sees what frustrates me...and everyone else...and He refuses to walk away.
I'm not sure why (no one taught me to think this way), but I guess I recognized for the first time how inaccurate my view of God really is. While I would NEVER have said God was "unfaithful"....somehow, I just pictured Him distancing himself from me when I sinned. Almost as if he were turning himself away from me and walking away...always ready if I repented...but not NEAR me until I did.
As I sat and listened to the words of the song, tears streamed from my eyes as I understood that my God is never walking away. And as I realized that in MY life...
God's presence overwhelmed my "winter."
Even though I can't change these circumstances right now...God's presence and faihfulness must be what I cling to through yet another spiritual death...
and maybe somehow, someday...I'll be able to see how God used this to me bring true life.
Regardless...I'm so thankful for my "faithful Friend."
There are a myriad of reasons (none of which I can or will explain)...but it just feels as if I am in the midst of spiritual winter...everything is cold and dead.
I know the Lord has brought me through so many spiritual winters this year...
So many people, places, and things I loved have been stripped from my hands. Looking back I see those things as loving gifts, from a Father who knew that death must precede true life. Each and every hurtful thing over the course of the few years I can now see as for my good.
Yet...as I sit in another cold, lifeless, difficult and brutal winter I find myself questioning the purpose. I feel the unasked questions lurking in the hidden places of my heart. It feels as if winter is winning...and never again will I know the joy of life.
As I drove home tonight pondering all these frustrating and seemingly overwhelming things, I found a CD tucked away in a compartment of my car. I'd given it to my dad years ago...and as I put the disc in a familiar song began to play.
Faithful One
I find no hope within to call my own
For I am frail of heart, my strength is gone
But deep within my soul is rising up a song
Here in the comfort of the faithful one
I walk a narrow road through valleys deep
In search of higher ground, on mountains steep
And though with feet unsure, I still keep pressing on.
For I am guided by the faithful one.
Faithful, faithful to the end,
My true and precious friend,
You have been faithful,
Faithful, so faithful to me
I see your wounded hands, I touch your side
With thorns upon your brow you bled and died
But there’s an empty tomb, a love for all who come
And give their hearts to you, the faithful one.
Faithful, faithful to the end,
My true and precious friend,
You have been faithful,
Faithful, so faithful to me
And when the day is dawned and when the race is run
I will bow down before God’s only Son
And I will lift my hands in praise for all you’ve done
And I will worship you, my faithful one.
I'm not sure why...but for the first time God's faithfulness truly amazed me. I look at my circumstances and all I want to do is quit...just jump ship and hope to find some piece of the wreckage to cling to. Yet God sees what frustrates me...and everyone else...and He refuses to walk away.
I'm not sure why (no one taught me to think this way), but I guess I recognized for the first time how inaccurate my view of God really is. While I would NEVER have said God was "unfaithful"....somehow, I just pictured Him distancing himself from me when I sinned. Almost as if he were turning himself away from me and walking away...always ready if I repented...but not NEAR me until I did.
As I sat and listened to the words of the song, tears streamed from my eyes as I understood that my God is never walking away. And as I realized that in MY life...
God's presence overwhelmed my "winter."
Even though I can't change these circumstances right now...God's presence and faihfulness must be what I cling to through yet another spiritual death...
and maybe somehow, someday...I'll be able to see how God used this to me bring true life.
Regardless...I'm so thankful for my "faithful Friend."
Thursday, June 24, 2010
June Update
June 24, 2010
Dear Faithful Supporters,
Today I woke up and realized that in two months I will be boarding the plane for Portugal. It is hard to imagine how this is even possible…it feels as if just six months ago I was wondering if this would ever come together. A year ago I had no idea that God would be leading me in this direction. In fact, a little over a year ago I began to pray that God would lead, guide, and direct me to whatever He wanted for my life and ministry. It is incredible to reflect on how He has done this. I am so thankful for a faithful God that guides, directs, and provides for His people.
Over the past two months I have had the wonderful privilege of getting to know a few of my fellow servants and future roommates. I am so thankful for the technology that we have! It has been so neat to get to know each other through emails and Facebook. One of my roommates, Laura, and I have already been able to discuss a Bible study for the 7-12th grade girls at Greater Lisbon Christian Academy. I am so excited and thrilled for this opportunity. Please be praying that God would move mightily in their hearts.
Even though I spent two weeks in Portugal last summer, preparing to live and teach in a foreign country for two years has left me with so many questions. It has been so neat to see how God arranged to have Cal and Joyce Voelker in Iowa during my time of preparation to leave. I was able to meet with them recently and ask them question after question. It was so relieving to sit down with them face-to-face and hear about my future students and the families I will be able to serve during my time there. I learned that I will be teaching a combined classroom of 5th and 6th graders. I will have a total of six students, four boys and two girls. Please pray for me as I seek to teach them academically and spiritually.
Continue to pray for my Visa situation. This continues to be the last item I need to obtain before I leave. I am praying that my proof of insurance will be the last document necessary for the Visa. Please pray that the insurance company sends the correct document quickly, and that the Portuguese Consulate would approve my Visa for two years.
As I am faced with the reality of leaving for two years, God has reminded me not to "shrink back" in fear of the future. My challenge throughout this year (and I am sure it will continue to be a challenge) has been to live in by faith…not common sense, or human reasoning, or earthly advice. Rather to believe in faith that God would do what to me seemed impossible. As I begin to realize the changes that are soon to come (and wonder about all the changes I don't even know about yet), I am constantly encouraged when I look back and recall all the ways God has already proved Himself to be faithful. I know that this journey will bring challenges…but I am so grateful that I go with a living and powerful God who is the same "yesterday, today, and forever." He is faithful.
Thank you so much for going with me on this journey. I can't wait to see how the Lord works.
In Christ,
Erin M. Wahlstrom
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Perfect Peace
"In this time of trial, pain that no one sees...trust Me when I say--I will give you perfect peace."
I am realizing that life is to be spent for one purpose...making Christ known. My journey to make Him central in my life is at times personally difficult. So many different burdens and desires rage in my heart...they conflict with what I know I should desire. The agony of bringing these to the cross is at times excruciating. There are days when I can and do joyfully surrender the things I want for the life Christ wants for me....but then there are days...
There are days when I am reminded of things I could be giving up...days when I see a reality I wish was my own and wonder if I will always be wistful.
I have been reading through Romans...and I must say it is absolutely kicking my butt. I know it is a privilege to be enslaved to Christ. He has freed me from a sin-cursed, sin-filled life and given me the ability to live to honor Him...how can I ever question if this is truly "best" for my life?
I know...these are the days when Satan is trying desperately to inch his way back into my heart. He longs for me and desires that I look at my life and situation and become dissatisfied. For then...he wins. He knows if he can convince me that I am not experiencing the fullness of what God should give me, I'll sin.
So today, get behind me Satan. You have nothing I could ever desire. Let me just remind you what I have in Christ:
an inheritance...incorruptible and undefiled
freedom from death
the ability to BOLDLY and CONFIDENTLY approach the throne of Christ
an eternal and divine love that was proven 2,000 years ago on a cross
redemption
power to live a godly life
my name in the book of Life
the power of the Holy Spirit dwelling inside me
acceptance from a Holy God
There is nothing...NOTHING that I lack.
Thanks be to God.
I am realizing that life is to be spent for one purpose...making Christ known. My journey to make Him central in my life is at times personally difficult. So many different burdens and desires rage in my heart...they conflict with what I know I should desire. The agony of bringing these to the cross is at times excruciating. There are days when I can and do joyfully surrender the things I want for the life Christ wants for me....but then there are days...
There are days when I am reminded of things I could be giving up...days when I see a reality I wish was my own and wonder if I will always be wistful.
I have been reading through Romans...and I must say it is absolutely kicking my butt. I know it is a privilege to be enslaved to Christ. He has freed me from a sin-cursed, sin-filled life and given me the ability to live to honor Him...how can I ever question if this is truly "best" for my life?
I know...these are the days when Satan is trying desperately to inch his way back into my heart. He longs for me and desires that I look at my life and situation and become dissatisfied. For then...he wins. He knows if he can convince me that I am not experiencing the fullness of what God should give me, I'll sin.
So today, get behind me Satan. You have nothing I could ever desire. Let me just remind you what I have in Christ:
an inheritance...incorruptible and undefiled
freedom from death
the ability to BOLDLY and CONFIDENTLY approach the throne of Christ
an eternal and divine love that was proven 2,000 years ago on a cross
redemption
power to live a godly life
my name in the book of Life
the power of the Holy Spirit dwelling inside me
acceptance from a Holy God
There is nothing...NOTHING that I lack.
Thanks be to God.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
tell me one more time...
"Tell me You're here- that You will watch over me forever. Take hold of my heart, show me You love me forever."
I'm not sure why, but today is one of those days where I wish the Lord would audibly remind me of His love. I know it. I've lived in the light of it. Some days, I just want to hear it though...
I'm having all these battles in my heart. The battles all boil down to the life I thought I would have, and the life God has called me to. There are moments when I want to run--too afraid to fully trust my God--paranoid that I won't be able to withstand what He could be calling me to. Yet inwardly, I know that I cannot run. I know in my heart, that I will never be happy apart from my God. I know His love is better than life...and I know the joy I have in serving Him FAR outweighs any other pleasure.
I received my contract today. As I opened the contract, I saw on paper an offer of security. A piece of paper that somehow has the power to offer to me a secure and steady income, with benefits. As I looked at the contract, I had to laugh to myself. I am currently at 53% of my support level to be a missionary to Portugal. I have NO churches lined up and no promise of incoming support. For reasons I don't understand, I have not been able to get ahold of my mission agency for the past three weeks. I am frustrated...and in my hands I hold a means to provide for myself.
I know there is no earthly wisdom in what I am doing. Believe me, everything within me is constantly reminding me of that. In addition, I have a multitude of "advisors" telling me the same thing.
"It's a bad economy, Erin."
"You know, maybe you need to consider teaching another year. Missionaries just aren't able to raise support these days very fast."
"So what's your plan if this doesn't work out?"
Honestly, I don't have a plan. I'm following God's plan. And yes, it scares me to death NOT to be in control. I am 26, single, moving back in with my parents, and turning down a job offer when others can hardly find work. Yet, somehow, I know this is the test of faith that the Lord is asking me to walk through. I don't have any idea how God will do it. But I imagine that the Israelites weren't sure how they were going to cross the Red Sea by their seeming "deadline" as well. I imagine the great sense of fear and anxiousness that they felt as they watched their time to escape elapse and perhaps they too felt as if they had done a ridiculous thing in leaving Egypt. Yet-God parted the Sea...and somehow, He's going to part the way for me too.
Until then, I'll be clinging to His promises. He IS here. He WILL be here with me. HE LOVES ME.
Forever.
I'm not sure why, but today is one of those days where I wish the Lord would audibly remind me of His love. I know it. I've lived in the light of it. Some days, I just want to hear it though...
I'm having all these battles in my heart. The battles all boil down to the life I thought I would have, and the life God has called me to. There are moments when I want to run--too afraid to fully trust my God--paranoid that I won't be able to withstand what He could be calling me to. Yet inwardly, I know that I cannot run. I know in my heart, that I will never be happy apart from my God. I know His love is better than life...and I know the joy I have in serving Him FAR outweighs any other pleasure.
I received my contract today. As I opened the contract, I saw on paper an offer of security. A piece of paper that somehow has the power to offer to me a secure and steady income, with benefits. As I looked at the contract, I had to laugh to myself. I am currently at 53% of my support level to be a missionary to Portugal. I have NO churches lined up and no promise of incoming support. For reasons I don't understand, I have not been able to get ahold of my mission agency for the past three weeks. I am frustrated...and in my hands I hold a means to provide for myself.
I know there is no earthly wisdom in what I am doing. Believe me, everything within me is constantly reminding me of that. In addition, I have a multitude of "advisors" telling me the same thing.
"It's a bad economy, Erin."
"You know, maybe you need to consider teaching another year. Missionaries just aren't able to raise support these days very fast."
"So what's your plan if this doesn't work out?"
Honestly, I don't have a plan. I'm following God's plan. And yes, it scares me to death NOT to be in control. I am 26, single, moving back in with my parents, and turning down a job offer when others can hardly find work. Yet, somehow, I know this is the test of faith that the Lord is asking me to walk through. I don't have any idea how God will do it. But I imagine that the Israelites weren't sure how they were going to cross the Red Sea by their seeming "deadline" as well. I imagine the great sense of fear and anxiousness that they felt as they watched their time to escape elapse and perhaps they too felt as if they had done a ridiculous thing in leaving Egypt. Yet-God parted the Sea...and somehow, He's going to part the way for me too.
Until then, I'll be clinging to His promises. He IS here. He WILL be here with me. HE LOVES ME.
Forever.
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