I've been having such a hard time blogging lately. Everything around in my head feels like too much to try to write...too personal...or just too unresolved. There are so many things I feel like I am wrestling through...
And in the midst of all this...God has brought up such deep, deep things.
Things I feel like I at one point in my life had figured out...but now seem more confusing than ever.
So here it is...
One of the scariest parts of missions to me is singleness. Not necessarily that I will be single the rest of my life if I head towards missions, but that people won't understand if I do marry after heading in the direction of missions. And that is not something I know if I am ready to accept. Honestly, I know I could serve God anywhere...I also know if I am single, I would choose that to be overseas... but if, and IF is huge here, IF God brought the type of man I have prayed for, and he was just living and serving in the States, that wouldn't bother me. I would serve alongside him there.
Yet I feel like that answer would not be acceptable to anyone. And that scares me.
But what I don't understand is why? God moves people at different points in different directions. Why would it be "life" for the single missionary, yet acceptable for any person actively involved in serving in the States to marry whomever and change ministries as a result? I just don't know if I get it... and I don't know that I am ready for the fish tank lifestyle that I know will come with this...
I love Portugal, and I love my life here. But I've also prayed to be a wife and mom. And for whatever reason...God hasn't brought the two together...or, for that matter, given me complete peace about either. So here I am, for probably the millionth time in my life, trying to figure out how to once again give God complete control and hand over to Him the dreams that I have in exchange for what He says is best for me. And I am trying desperately to hear His voice above all others, including my own.
I just feel like I can't get past this...and I don't know the answer.
Erin, I haven't got all this figured out yet, but I know one thing-- if you keep your heart open before God and follow HIM, the rest of the world doesn't matter. What everyone else thinks just isn't important, IF you know God is putting you in a place.
ReplyDeleteI have spent so much of my life living in fear of not pleasing everybody else. And now, with Art almost done with seminary, with the reality of "pastor's wife" nearly upon me (I hope!), I'm struggling with some of these same issues. And slowly I'm coming to realize that the expectations that OTHERS have are not the same as the ones God has.
Unfortunately, in our circles, we tend to expect conformity to certain standards. This is not grace. This is NOT God's best for us. This is the opposite of "don't be conformed to this world, but be TRANSFORMED by the renewing of your MIND." Your mind. Not the external standards placed on you by well-meaning but sometimes misguided people.
All that said, don't be afraid to go where God puts you. Keep praying for wisdom, for guidance. He'll give it to you. All any of us can do is take the next clear step. All the steps after that will become clear when we need to see them.
I am proud to know you, dear one. God has great things for you, wherever He puts you. <3